


It Starts with the Light

by SuperUltraMeme



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Actually everyone is sassy except Bokuto who's just confused, Angst, Anxiety, Dating, Dubious Consent, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Heteronormativity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sassy Akaashi Keiji, Sassy Kuroo Tetsurou, Slow Burn, but lots of fluff too, but not with bokuaka!, shitty parents, they're perfectly healthy and gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 01:26:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12332700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperUltraMeme/pseuds/SuperUltraMeme
Summary: Akaashi was excited for his first year of high school. He was going to his dream school and had even made it on the volleyball team. He was planning on a year of studying hard and playing harder and maybe making friends. He never counted on a weird spiky-headed senpai throwing his plans into chaos on his very first day.A fic about Bokuto and Akaashi's first year at school together and all of the volleyball, shitty parents, sexual tension, and other normal teenage stuff they encounter





	It Starts with the Light

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is unfinished. It's been sitting in my drafts for years now staring at me whenever I skip over it to work on something else. But I've put way too much work into it to let it continue to sit there staring. So here it is. It's not nearly where I want it to be, but I don't have the time to finish it the way I want ㅠㅠ 
> 
> Please be warned again that there are dubcon elements (not in bokuaka! they're very healthy!) and elements of anxiety and panic attacks. If this makes you uncomfortable at all, please skip the end of the training camp. Stay safe <3

Dinner was eaten in complete silence. The only sounds were the clicking of chopsticks on dishes and the washer running in the next room. Akaashi ignored the glances his mother kept throwing his way. Finally she set her chopsticks down and cleared her throat.

"Keiji." He looked up. "Do you understand what you did wrong today?"

"Yes, ma'am." He decided lying would be the safest course of action.

"You understand that what you said was inappropriate?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I don't think you do. If you understood, I wouldn’t keep getting these calls."

Whether he liked it or not, this conversation was happening again.

"She asked me what I thought, and I told her."

"You insulted her."

"I answered her truthfully. You'd rather have me lie?"

"Keiji, we've been over this. There's a difference between lying and censoring. You can't say every little thought that pops into your head." Akaashi stared at his plate sullenly. "Look, you're going to be in high school soon, and if this keeps up, if you keep getting disciplined for this kind of thing, that'll go on your record. You want to have a clean record so you can get into the best university possible, so please start thinking before you speak."

Akaashi thought of a hundred things he could have chosen to say in that moment, but he bottled them up in favor of ending the discussion.

“Yes, ma'am." He could feel his mother’s hopeless stare as he took a drink. "May I be excused?"

"You've hardly eaten."

"I'm not hungry. And besides, I have a bunch of homework to finish." She sighed.

"At least take your plate into your room with you."

"Ok. Thanks for the meal." Akaashi collected his plate and hurried into his room. He knew playing the homework card would work.

He set his food down on his desk and flipped through the pile of books on his desk. He could polish all of his homework off quickly, so he might as well enjoy his meal in peace.

After eating, he sat at his desk for a while staring at his books. He needed to get his work done, but arguing with his mom always left him distracted. He turned off all the lights in the room, then laid on the bed watching the weak orange light of the sunset.

He stayed there until it grew dark, his mind racing. The more he thought, the worse he felt. Eventually he found himself in a pitch black room feeling very alone.

He reached for his cell phone but stopped. It would end like it always did, with him scrolling through his contacts several times until he told himself he didn't want to talk to anyone anyway. He could handle it alone.

Beginning to feel restless, he fished under his bed. Eventually he found the volleyball he kept hidden under there. He ran his fingers over the textured surface to calm himself down. He tossed to himself for a while, his mind still running impossibly fast, still feeling very alone in a dark room.

He could handle this alone like he always did.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi let himself have a moment of pride as he looked himself over one last time in the mirror. He felt a thrill as he took in the image of himself wearing his Fukurodani uniform.

This was really happening.

Akaashi believed that with hard work, he could make the cut for the volleyball team. He had worked his ass off and trained every day in preparation for tryouts, then spent every day afterwards refreshing his email incessantly, waiting to hear back. When the email finally did come, Akaashi felt equal parts pride in his abilities and the honor of being selected to play on one of Tokyo's most elite high school teams.

Today, his dreams would finally merge with reality.

He slipped out the door quickly in order to minimize his mom's fussing. She insisted on taking pictures, of course, and told him to be safe and stay out of trouble and talk to new people as he slowly edged out the door reassuring her he would be fine.

He had told her he would be walking with some friends in order to ease her mind, but in reality, he didn't know anyone else at his new school. He was sure he'd meet some kids from his middle school, but none of his teammates that had tried out had made the cut. Akaashi would have to start over.

The day went by quickly as he adjusted to the size of the campus and figured out where everything was. Finally, the bell rang after the last class, and Akaashi bolted for the gym.

As he approached the building, he heard shouts and the thudding of volleyballs from inside. Suddenly, Akaashi remembered all the worst-case scenarios he had spent the past few days conjuring up, and he felt his stomach twist.

The coaches had said there wouldn't be a practice today, just a meeting to acclimate the new kids and announce the new captains. However, when Akaashi slipped inside the gym, he saw a group of boys in gym clothes already practicing. Had he somehow misheard? Were they practicing today after all? Akaashi didn't have his shoes or pads with him. His first day on the team and he had already ruined everything.

To his relief, he looked around the room and noticed a small cluster of first-years off to the side. They were also dressed in their school uniforms. At least Akaashi wasn't completely out of place. He slid towards them in order to blend in, but none of them took any note of him. They were all chatting and appeared to be good friends.

Akaashi looked out over the gym and found himself in a large, loud, brightly lit room feeling very alone.

A shout cut through his thoughts.

“Watch out!” Akaashi snapped to in time to see a volleyball hurtling towards him. Reflexively, he crouched into position and sent the ball flying back in the direction it come from. It was caught by one of the older boys who was staring at him open-mouthed.

“Whoooa! Nice receive!”

“Thanks.” Akaashi checked his uniform for damages.

“Hey, hey, what position do you play?” He looked up to see that the boy was still talking to him. He was a tall, broad boy with oddly spiked hair that had survived a really bad dye job. Most of his hair was some shade of silver, but his roots were still showing black.

"I'm a setter." The boy's face lit up. Actually, it would be more correct to say his entire body lit up. He suddenly seemed filled with excited energy.

"Uooo, really? Come toss for me!"

"Shouldn’t you ask someone who's dressed for it?"

Shit, there it is. Akaashi hadn't meant to say anything sarcastic, but it slipped out as usual. He couldn't believe he had just ruined everything. The boy stared at him for a moment.

"Augggh, you're totally right. Ok, well next practice, you'd better be prepared!" It was Akaashi's turn to stare.

Their interaction was cut short by the sound of a whistle.  

"Alright boys, circle up!" Akaashi recognized the coach, Yamiji-san, from try-outs. He gathered all the boys at one end of the gym to start the meeting.

He began by welcoming the first-years, telling them about the team, introducing the managers, etc. They went around the circle and introduced themselves. Apparently, the weird boy Akaashi had just spoken to was a second-year wing spiker named Bokuto Koutarou. Yamiji moved on.

"Now, your captain this year will be Tachibana Eisuke."

There was some formality as Tachibana bowed to the coaches and accepted the gym key while the boys applauded and yelled to him. Yamiji waited with measured patience for the clamor to settle down.

“For those of you who are new to the team, we choose a second-year as vice-captain so that he will have learned all his duties and be fully prepared to accept the role of captain, should it be extended to him the following year. This year, we have chosen Bokuto Koutarou as vice-captain."

Bokuto's entire being lit up as he made his way to the coaches, bowed, and accepted his own key. He bumped fists with Tachibana before returning his place, still glowing.

Akaashi watched with curiosity as Bokuto accepted a friendly punch in the ribs from a blonde next to him. From their brief encounter he wouldn’t have really pegged him as the captain type. He found himself oddly intrigued by this boy with the brilliant smile and bizarre hair.

After a few more items were discussed and practice uniforms handed out, the meeting was adjourned. Akaashi made his way to the door, buzzing with quiet excitement.

_This is real. This is happening._

"Hey, Akaashi, right?" He stopped at the sound of his name. Bokuto had followed him.

"Yes."

"You don't have to look so angry. I just wanted to say I look forward to working with you this year."

Akaashi took a second to check in on himself. Yep, he had slipped back into his resting bitchface. He made an attempt to soften his expression into a neutral one, because honestly he couldn't remember the last time someone had gone out of their way to say something like that to him. Also, this boy was the vice-captain, so it couldn't hurt to be on his good side.

"Thank you. You too." Akaashi turned to go, but tossed one more comment over his shoulder. "I guess I'll have to toss for you tomorrow."

"Yesss! I can't wait!" Akaashi laughed quietly to himself, then left.

He could already tell it was going to be an eventful year.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi managed to leave his house right on time his first day of high school.

On his second day, he wasn't so lucky.

One thing after another went wrong until he was running out the door fifteen minutes later than he should have, cursing everything in his line of sight. His mood grew even worse when he heard a vaguely familiar voice shouting his name.

"Akaashi! Akaashiii!" He turned around to see Bokuto running up to him grinning. "Hey, Akaashi. I had no idea you lived this way."

"I live just a block or two from here." He resumed walking.

"Whoa, that's so cool! Me too! We should walk home together, too! Wow, you walk really fast!"

"I got out the door late."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I know a shortcut. Geez, slow down!" Akaashi noticed with some disdain how quickly Bokuto had gotten out of breath.

"If you intend to play sports, you need to be in better physical shape."

WOW that was rude. Akaashi inwardly kicked himself for saying that. To his vice-captain too. Oh god he was going to get kicked off the team.

"I am in good shape! But I already had my jog this morning, and I'm still recovering from that."

Akaashi glanced at him. How the hell did this boy just bounce back from every insult Akaashi threw at him? Was he impossible to offend?

Akaashi decided to attempt polite conversation.

"Do you know any good jogging routes?"

"Yeah, I can show you. WAIT, we could jog together! Oh my god, let's do that! On school days I always get up at-" Bokuto began a rambling yet detailed exposition of his jogging route as Akaashi watched in silence. He paid attention to his frantic gestures and the way his eyes lit up when he got sidetracked and started talking about this really weird bush he found the other day.

Normally people like this got on Akaashi's nerves, but for some reason, this boy was different. He seemed genuinely passionate about everything he said. Even if it seemed like he was just running his mouth, if you listened close enough, everything he said was somewhat purposeful. Akaashi once again found himself caught in this boy’s inexplicable pull.

He suddenly came to and realized Bokuto was looking at him expectantly as if waiting for him to speak. Akaashi realized he had gotten lost in his thoughts and hadn’t heard the last thing Bokuto said. He spoke without thinking.

"Bokuto-san... Why are you going out of your way to be so nice to me?" Bokuto looked surprised.

"Because I think you're pretty cool. And you're a setter, so I want you give me lots of tosses!" Bokuto jumped up and spiked an imaginary volleyball. "Wait, wait, that didn't come out right! That made it sound like I’m sucking up to you to get you to toss to me. You just seem like a cool guy, and I like the fact that you're super honest, and you just happen to be a setter."

"Most people don’t get along with me because I’m so honest."

"Really? I don’t mind at all! Probably because I'm the same way, actually. People tell me I always speak before I think, so things come out wrong or things come out that shouldn't, or I talk too much or whatever. So no, I don't mind. I actually kind of appreciate it. I'm not good at reading people, so it helps when they tell me how they really feel." Bokuto laughed at himself then lapsed into silence.

Akaashi wasn't really sure what to think, but he was starting to believe that he might actually get along with-

Where the hell is he going?

Bokuto had casually walked off the road and squeezed through an old fence.

"Bokuto-san?"

"This is that shortcut I was telling you about. Come on." Akaashi peered through the slats in the fence.

"This leads to the woods."

"Do you want to get to school on time or not?" Akaashi stared at him for a long moment. This was his shortcut? Did he really traipse through the woods every morning to get to school? How the hell did he even find this? "Come on, Akaashiii, we gotta get moving."

Akaashi weighed the two options in his mind. On one hand, he'd had perfect attendance every year of his life, and that was not something he was willing to sacrifice. But on the other hand, what the hell kind of shortcut is this?

Akaashi considered a variety of endings for each scenario very quickly before sighing and following Bokuto through the fence. He couldn't believe he was acting like a delinquent on his second day of school.

They walked through the woods for a bit while Akaashi kept a nervous eye on the time. Eventually, they reached another, higher wooden fence.

"Ok, this one involves some skill." Bokuto threw his bag over and climbed up on a tree stump. From there, he fitted his foot in a knot in the wall and boosted himself on top. "Do you need help?" he called down.

"I think I've got it," Akaashi replied, not wanting to believe that this was actually happening. He threw his bag over, climbed up on the stump, and scanned the wall for the knot. Bokuto stayed straddling the top in case assistance was required. Akaashi put his foot in the knot and tried propelling himself upwards, but came a little short.

"I got you." Bokuto held out his hand. Akaashi pushed himself up again, reaching for Bokuto's hand. He managed to get on top of the wall. "Yaaay, you did it!" Bokuto swung a leg over and dropped to the ground below. Akaashi's heart stuttered as he briefly thought, _Oh no he's actually really cool_. Pushing the thought aside, Akaashi dropped down off the fence and found himself on the school grounds.

"See?" Bokuto held out his arms. "Shortcut! Now let's get you to class. What's your first class?" Bokuto pestered him with questions until they parted ways outside Akaashi's building. He made it into his seat with time to spare. Ok, so that weird, owl-headed kid did actually know what he was talking about.

As the bell rang and class started, Akaashi pushed aside the recurring thought that Bokuto was actually pretty cool.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi gathered his belongings, stuffed them in his bag as soon as class ended and slid out the door. Walking down the hall, he planned out his afternoon.

Walk home with Bokuto (better plan for an extra fifteen to twenty minutes because he will undoubtedly see a dog or want to go in a store or cause some problem), homework, dinner with the family, more homework, then some spare time. Maybe he could finally get around to reading that new book he bought.

As much as he loved volleyball practice, he appreciated the one day of the week he got a break.

He left his building and headed to the spot where he and Bokuto usually met up. However, today Bokuto was joined by two of their teammates. Akaashi was still learning names, but he knew these two because they were regulars. The one with the dirty blond hair was Konoha, and the one with the dark hair and continual smile was Sarukui.

They accosted Akaashi the minute he approached them.

“Hello there, Akaashi,” Konoha began.

“Hello.”

“As I believe you are aware, we don’t have volleyball practice today.”

“I am aware.”

“As you are also aware,” Sarukui added, “on days when we don’t have practice, the team still gets together after school.”

“I am aware.”

“And as you are also, also aware, you have yet to join us,” Konoha said. Akaashi looked back and forth between the two of them.

“I am aware.”

“We’ve let you get away with it for about a month now in case you’d come around on your own, but today you join us.”

Akaashi looked desperately at Bokuto hoping for any kind of deliverance.

“Come on, Akaashi! You said you didn’t have plans for today anyway.” Ok, no help from him. And now Akaashi couldn’t use the “very important plans I can’t back out of” defense. He sighed in defeat.

“Fine. Just for a little while.”

“Alright!”

With reluctance, Akaashi followed the three of them off the school grounds.

Although his plans for the day had been entirely thrown out the window, it was nice to be invited to do something for a change.

They reached the convenience store where some other team members had already gathered. They bought food then found spots around the store to hang out.

Akaashi sat on a low wall nearby and was immediately flanked by Sarukui and Konoha with Bokuto squeezing in on the end.

“So, Akaashi,” Konoha began. “Tell us a little about yourself.” Akaashi looked at him warily.

“Is this a team get-together or an interrogation?”

“We’ve grilled all the first-years except you,” Sarukui chimed in.

“So it’s an interrogation.”

“Where did you grow up?” Konoha moved on.

“Around here.” Akaashi decided to give them just enough information to satisfy their curiosity.

“Do you have any siblings?” Sarukui asked.

“No.”

Konoha and Sarukui looked at Bokuto.

“Ahh, do you prefer mint or fruit gum?” he finally asked.

“Mint.”

“Oh come on, Bokuto. You need to ask juicier questions,” Sarukui reprimanded.

“Because where he grew up is very interesting,” Bokuto retorted.

“Yes, it is. We need to know if he moved to escape his dark past,” Konoha replied.

“But since he hasn’t moved, we know he has either a dark present or a dark future, which he has yet to move away from. Right?” Sarukui turned back to him.

“Sure.”

“Okayyy, my turn again,” said Konoha. “Are you dating anyone?”

“No.”

“Have you ever dated anyone?” Sarukui asked.

Akaashi paused a second too long.

“No.”

“What was that? You paused!” Konoha prodded him.

“I said no.”

“But your body language said yes.”

Akaashi swallowed hard, willing himself to maintain a neutral face.

“I’ve never technically dated anyone. How about that?”

“Oh come on, that only brings up more questions,” Sarukui said.

Akaashi noticed Konoha giving him a long look before speaking.

“Nah, it’s ok. We have more ground to cover. Bokuto, your turn.”

“Um ok. Do you prefer ice cream or bean paste mochi?”

“Bokuto-san, you’re just hungry, aren’t you?”

“Probably. Sarukui, come get more food with me.”

“Aight.”

Bokuto dragged Sarukui inside the store. Akaashi could see them holding conference in the store behind a magazine rack. He turned back to Konoha.

“Thanks.”

Konoha looked at him for a moment.

“We’re not going to make you do or say anything uncomfortable. Those two can’t read a person to save their lives, but I’ve got your back.”

Akaashi felt a weird pang. He couldn’t remember anyone saying that to him before.

“Thanks,” he said quietly.

Bokuto and Sarukui returned, arms laden with food, which they were kind enough to share. Akaashi wolfed down as much as he could while answering more questions.

During a pause in the conversation, he looked around the convenience store and saw a group of boys hanging out, eating, talking, just enjoying the warm spring air on a school night. He felt a warmth in his stomach that came from something other than the buns he had eaten.

He was living a normal life with normal friends, and for the first time in a long time, he really began to feel ok.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi wiped the sweat from his forehead and checked the scoreboard. Match point. He had to keep up this focus for just a little longer.

"Alriiight! Make it a good one!" Bokuto yelled to the boy who was moving into position to serve. Akaashi looked across the net at the rest of his teammates who were preparing to receive. He took a few moments to hone his focus. He was ready.

"Nice serve!" The ball was received easily by a boy in the rearguard and returned to the setter.

"Left! Left!"

Akaashi slid a moment too late to block, and the ball flew by his arm. Fortunately, Komi was on their side of the net. His receive was a little rough, and Akaashi realized the ball would be short.

He quickly assessed several possibilities while getting in position to set. The only obvious decision was to send this one to Bokuto.

"Bokuto-san!" He tossed, sending the ball exactly where Bokuto liked it. There was a resounding slam as his hand connected with the ball, which beat two blockers by sheer force, and shot into the floor of the gym.

The boys went wild as the whistle blew, announcing the end of their practice match.

"Akaashi! That was awesome!" Bokuto ran over with both hands raised for high fives. Akaashi walked by without returning the gesture.

"Thank you."

"It was short and everything, but you just pwah!" Bokuto performed his reenactment as Akaashi nodded and took a long drink.

"Great job, Bokuto. You really showed us up there." The captain, Tachibana approached the two of them. He bumped fists with Bokuto. "You too, Akaashi. You've done very well so far."

"Thank you." It didn't come across in his expression, but Akaashi felt a thrill of pride at the compliment.

"Hey, we're all going to grab ice cream after practice if you two want to join us," Tachibana offered.

"It's kind of you to offer-" Akaashi began.

"But spiking practice waits for no man!" Bokuto slung an arm around Akaashi's neck. He felt a slight murderous urge, which he quickly pushed aside.

"Akaashi, you know you can say no to him, right?"

"Oh, trust me. If Akaashi didn't want to be here, he wouldn't." Tachibana raised his eyebrows at Akaashi, who shrugged in response.

"Alright, just don't overwork yourselves. Bokuto, you can take care of locking everything up?"

"Yessir!"

"Alright well, have a good weekend. I'll see you two Monday." They said their goodbyes, then Bokuto pulled Akaashi back onto the court.

Ever since their second practice, Bokuto had dragged Akaashi into his ridiculous spiking practices. He would work for hours at a time with a concentration that seemed completely at odds with his normal scatter-brained behavior.

"You see, Akaashi," he explained at their first practice. "Everyone tells me straight spikes aren't practical. That they can't be used in games because they're unreliable. I want to prove all of them wrong. I want to hear Tachibana and Coach say they've been wrong this whole time, and mostly I want to be the ace!"

And so, for the past two months, the two of them had stayed long after practice perfecting their teamwork. Akaashi knew exactly how high and how close to the net Bokuto liked his tosses, and Bokuto knew the way Akaashi glanced at him right before trying something new. In just two short months, the two of them had become a powerful duo.

The other benefit to spiking practice was that Akaashi was able to make Bokuto pace himself. Now that he was vice-captain and owned a key, he could theoretically stay late in the night working his spikes. However, Akaashi always dragged his ass out of there an hour after practice ended in order to get him home at a reasonable hour. Bokuto always put up a fight, but Akaashi could scare him into leaving.

Tonight was no different, but as always, Bokuto soon got lost in one of his expositions and forgot to protest after a few minutes.

"And so I tried to tell him it wasn't really peanut butter but he just laughed at me and put it on his shoe anyway. Long story short, it took five of us and a pressure washer to scrape him off the sidewalk." Bokuto laughed for a long time about his story that Akaashi had mostly tuned out.   

Instead of listening as they walked back to the club room, he found himself just watching Bokuto. He enjoyed how genuinely excited he was about every turn of events in his story and how his eyes lit up as he neared the punchline. Bokuto's laugh is loud and uninhibited and honest, and it's like a burst of sunlight on a rainy day, as fucking cliché as that comparison is. Akaashi found a strange comfort in his unlikely companion.

"Man, wait until you meet my buddy Kuroo. He is a wild ride. I told you about him and the banana prank, right? Yeah, he's great. You'll meet him at training camp this summer, but if we hang out sooner I'll invite you. I think you'd get along with his best friend. You're both quiet and kinda salty." Bokuto continued talking as they changed and gathered their belongings, not seeming to care if Akaashi was listening anymore.

Akaashi wasn't listening. He had pulled his phone out of his bag to check his notifications and was staring down at a text from the last person he had expected. He closed his eyes and made himself breathe before opening it.

"Hey, Akaashi, you ready to go?" Bokuto was standing by the door with his bag slung over his shoulder.

"Yeah." He typed out a quick " _I'll be there_ ," then shoved his phone in his pocket and gathered all his belongings. "Bokuto-san, you can head home without me. I have an errand I need to run for my mother."

"Oh I don't mind. I can go with you." Akaashi felt a twinge of irritation. Bokuto absolutely could not take a hint. He checked his phone again. He had received a reply.

   

- _The usual place?_

 

- _That's fine_

 

- _Alright~_

 

He put his phone away again, feeling a twinge of nausea.

"Ooooh, Akaashi! Look at the stars!" Bokuto stopped walking and pulled on Akaashi's sleeve, forcing him to stop as well. He felt a hint of irritation which melted when he turned to see Bokuto's face. His eyes were wide and shining even more brightly than usual as he looked up at the sky. Akaashi forgot to look up.

He felt something pull inside of him. He realized what it was and realized that he had discovered it too late.

He knew the longer that feeling remained unnamed, the easier it would go away. That’s why he had to leave.

"Akaashi, do you see? Look up there! I think that's Orion!"

"Orion is a winter constellation." Bokuto's face fell for a mere moment.

"But it looks just like it! I'm going to name it the Orion Impostor." Akaashi felt the same pull inside of him and shut it down before he could begin to feel its after-effects.

Akaashi took off running before Bokuto could follow him.

"Akaashi?"

"I have to go. See you tomorrow," he called over his shoulder. Even when he was out of Bokuto's sight, he kept running. He only stopped when he had arrived at the gates of his middle school. He bent over, panting and feeling sweat beading on his forehead.

“You didn't have to run here. I was fine waiting." He looked up to see dark hair and an all-too-familiar smile on the face of a boy he remembered very well.

"Hello, Chigaya."

"Akaashi! You look great. I see you've grown in the past few months."

"I hadn't really noticed." The air was thick with the tension between them. They both knew they weren't here to catch up.

"Well, shall we go around back?"

"Sure." Akaashi felt his stomach twist as he followed his companion through the hole in the back fence that no one had discovered yet. They slipped in through the door with the bad lock and crept into their old classroom. They stood facing each other in the dim light from the street lamp.

Akaashi always remembered that smile. It was the last thing he would remember clearly. He let out a soft breath as he was backed up against the classroom wall and that smile pressed against his lips.

Chigaya was right. Akaashi had grown. He didn't have to lean up into their kisses any more. It was less of a stretch for Chigaya to lean in and bite his neck as he slid his hands lower on Akaashi's waist. That smile floated in Akaashi's field of vision the whole time as he slowly let himself go and slipped into their old routine.

When they were finished, they put themselves back together and slipped back out the way they came. They separated with a curt goodbye at the gates. Akaashi sent a quick explanation text to his mom.

He felt tired, but also relieved of a burden.

He and Chigaya had started their friends with benefits relationship in their second year of middle school. It had started out innocently enough. They were close friends and teammates who both thought they should've had their first kiss by now, but there they were, thirteen-year-olds with no experience whatsoever. It began with kisses in the club room or behind buildings or at each other's houses when their parents were out, and neither of them intended for it to go further. Of course, once they had begun trying new things, they couldn't stop.

By the end of their third year, their weekend study sessions always seemed to end with one person leaving in a hurry, their textbooks lying untouched on the table.

Akaashi had expected it to end after middle school. He never wanted to pick it back up. But something in him had felt self-destructive lately, and he was grateful for an outlet.

He looked up at the sky as he walked. He caught a glimpse of the "Orion Impostor" and stopped on the sidewalk. He briefly wondered what it would be like to touch someone he actually cared about. What it would be like to want to actually get closer to that person instead of simply satisfying himself.

He kept walking.

The pulling in his chest returned. He named it loneliness.

 

* * *

 

 

At the beginning of the school year, Akaashi was filled with excited energy. He was determined to work his hardest and become stronger and become a starter this year or maybe the next, when their current setter would graduate.

However, he had lost a lot of that energy and drive, and as he slammed the snooze button on his clock, he wondered if getting up this early on a Saturday was really worth it. However, he had visions of Bokuto hammering on his door and dragging him out of bed if he was late or absent for their daily jogging session. That was enough to get him going.

Akaashi finally rolled out of bed, feeling an intense hatred for everything in his field of vision. He crept out of the house so he wouldn't wake his parents and walked the couple of blocks to Bokuto's house, his path lit only by the streetlamps. Bokuto was already on the strip of grass in front of his house stretching. He sat up and waved energetically when Akaashi approached.

"Akaashi!"

"Bokuto-san, please don't yell. Anyone with sense is sleeping right now." He dropped on the grass beside his friend, only then realizing that the grass was still damp with dew. He was dangerously close to going back to bed.

They stretched in silence for a few minutes.

"Is it completely necessary for us to be up before dawn?" Akaashi asked after yawning for the fourth time in a row.

"Well, yeah. Otherwise it's too hot."

"It's not going to be that much hotter half an hour later." Akaashi laid back on the grass and rubbed his eyes.

"Part of the fun is running through the dark streets. They look completely different than during the day."

"That just makes you sound like a delinquent." Bokuto either didn't hear his remark or didn't care. He jumped up with a disgusting amount of energy.

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah." Akaashi dragged himself to his feet.

"Hey, Akaashi."

"What?"

"You may want to do something about those bumps on your neck. They kinda look like hickeys." Akaashi felt panic begin to rise.

"Where?"

"Right there." Bokuto pointed to the side of his neck, and Akaashi quickly felt the spot. Dammit, he hadn't even noticed them. "Wait. Don't tell me." Bokuto gasped loudly, and Akaashi wanted to crawl into the ground. "ARE they hickeys?"

"No! I just... There's..."

"Bro, my respect for you just sky-rocketed. Wait, is that were you went last night? Did you meet up with a girrrl?"

"No! They don't matter. Are you ready to go?" Akaashi couldn't explain why he felt guilty.

"It's ok, man. You don't have to be embarrassed. I'm not even surprised that you have a girlfriend honestly. Even though you told us you didn’t."

"I don't. I don't have a girlfriend." He took off, hoping he could jog away from the conversation. Of course, Bokuto didn't let it go after catching up to him.

"Oh, I get it. No strings kind of thing?"

"Well how about you? Do you have a girlfriend?" Akaashi desperately switched the focus to Bokuto.

"Nah, I'm single right now. I don't even have time for a girlfriend. I'm kind of dating volleyball." He let out a loud laugh then stopped jogging. "Ow, hang on. Side stitch."

"I keep telling you to concentrate on your breathing." Akaashi stopped and waited for him to recover. "Have you... ever had a girlfriend, Bokuto-san?"

"Yeah, I... I've dated somone." That was an awkward answer. Bokuto took off jogging again. This time it looked like he was the one trying to jog away from the conversation. Akaashi decided to needle.

"I can't see you with a girlfriend."

"What? I'm great with girls! You should see how many confessions I get in a month."

"But you turn them all down?"

"Well yeah. Like I said, I don't really have the time." There was something else going on. Bokuto still looked uncomfortable discussing it. Akaashi decided to let it go.

They stayed silent until they reached their halfway point, the top of a hill with a great view of the sunrise. They watched the sky beginning to light up as they caught their breath.

"I never get tired of sunrises." Bokuto rested his hands on his head. The pinks and oranges reflected onto his face and hair, giving his already rosy face a gold tinge. His expression was peaceful, a soft smile pulling at his lips. Akaashi felt his breath catch.

Bokuto turned to him, and Akaashi forgot to look away.

"What is it?"

"What?"

"You were looking at me funny." Akaashi quickly turned away. He wiped the sweat off his face with his shirt to cover his embarrassment.

"I wasn't." Bokuto's attention was already back on the sunrise, and Akaashi relaxed a bit.

He hadn't really paid attention to sunrises before he and Bokuto began jogging together. If anything, he paid much more attention to the sun setting. He was in the terrible habit of watching the sun set and feeling depression settle in as the light was slowly snuffed out. It was a completely different feeling to watch the light creep back into the world, the pinks and golds playing over his surroundings. He was grateful Bokuto had brought this into his life.

"You ready to go?" Akaashi was snapped out of his thoughts.    

"Yeah." He turned around and began heading back the way they came.

They jogged in comfortable silence, watching as the streets slowly came to life with the other people crazy enough to be awake this early on a Saturday. Normally, Akaashi branched off when they reached his house, but today Bokuto stopped him.

"Hey, Akaashi, do you want to come over? My mom usually cooks a big breakfast on Saturdays, and I didn't know if you wanted to maybe hang out?" Akaashi was genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, sure."

"Whoa, really? I was hoping you'd say yes! Ok, let's go!" Bokuto's energy was oddly contagious, and Akaashi found himself smiling as well as they headed the last few blocks to Bokuto's house.

Bokuto lived in an older neighborhood; Akaashi lived in the new development that was added on later. As such, Bokuto's house was a little smaller and older, but as Akaashi entered and kicked his shoes off, he already felt comfortable and at home.

The house was mostly quiet and dark. As they crept through, Bokuto explained where everything was, finally ending the tour in his room, which was sparse and oddly neat. Akaashi would've pegged him as the kind of guy to throw everything on the floor.

"Oh, you don't have a change of clothes, do you? I can loan you something." Bokuto began digging through his dresser drawers. It looked like nothing in the drawers was folded, just kind of shoved in there. That sounded more like him. He handed Akaashi a shirt and a pair of jeans. "These should fit you. If not, just let me know. You can shower first."

"Thank you."

Akaashi rinsed off and changed into the clothes Bokuto had provided him. They were a little big, but he wasn't complaining. They were faintly stamped with the smell of his cologne, which Akaashi found becoming a comfortable, familiar scent.

He let Bokuto have the shower and killed time by looking around his room. He had quite the impressive manga collection. Akaashi didn't read much himself, but he recognized a lot of the titles. He found pictures of younger Bokuto on the dresser, his gold eyes at odds with his dark, unruly hair.

After Bokuto finished, they went back into the kitchen to find his mom already awake and sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.

"Morning, Mom!"

"Morning, Koutarou." She looked quizzically at Akaashi.

"This is my friend Akaashi Keiji that I've mentioned."

"Oh yes. It's nice to finally meet you, Keiji."

"It's nice to meet you, too." He bowed politely.

"Is it fine if Akaashi is over today?"

"Have you done all your homework?" Bokuto shifted.

"Most of it."

"Well, you need to finish it today. Maybe Akaashi can help you." She turned to Akaashi with a grin. "He's basically a failure at school. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t flunk out." Bokuto looked away. Akaashi fought for a tactful answer.

"I can help if he'd like."

"Excellent. I'm going to get breakfast started. I'll call you when it's ready."

"Thanks, Mom." Bokuto quickly turned and left the kitchen, Akaashi following several steps behind.

He wanted to ask what that whole exchange had been about, but by the time they were back in Bokuto's room, he had already returned to normal with no trace of the sullen demeanor he'd had moments ago.

"Alright, Akaashi. What should we do first?"

 

The day passed too quickly for Akaashi's liking. He and Bokuto sat and talked for a long time, played with his younger brother and sister, and taught each other card games. Akaashi wondered why he hadn't started coming over sooner. It was so easy being around Bokuto. Akaashi could let his guard down and relax.

He was on an odd high as the day went on, and he excused himself to get some work done at home. He changed back into his own clothes, which Bokuto's mother had washed, and said his farewells. He felt at peace for once as he walked home.

He slipped in the door and was greeted by the smell of his mother cooking dinner. He stopped by to greet her.

"Keiji, where have you been all day?" she demanded. His stomach immediately dropped.

"I was at a friend's house. I texted you this morning."

"I didn't get a text."

"Well, I sent one." He pulled out his phone to double check. Sure enough, there it was. "See?" He held out his phone.

"Are you talking back to me?" She didn't even look at the phone. Akaashi felt himself shut down.

"No, ma'am."

"If I didn't respond to your text, I didn't get it. You need to follow up with me so I know where you are."

_You don't always respond to my texts._

_If you were actually worried you would have texted or called me anyway._

_The text sent; I couldn't have done anything more._

He swallowed all his replies.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Go to your room and get your homework done. Dinner will be ready in about an hour."

"Yes, ma'am."

He shut the door to his room without turning on any lights and laid on his bed.

Of course he couldn't have one happy day.

The back of his throat felt thick, but he knew he wouldn't be able to cry.

He stared out the window, watching the sun set. He felt frustrated that this was happening again, but he was incapable of movement. He had no motivation to get up or change anything, so he sat and felt the despair creep in, until once again, he found himself in a pitch black room feeling hopeless.

As usual, in one last-ditch effort, his hand reached out for his phone. He scrolled aimlessly through his contacts. Bokuto's name rolled by. He stopped and scrolled back up to it.

He sat for a long while staring at the screen. He tried playing out the conversation in his mind, but how could he tell his friend that he was upset because he was too lazy to turn on a light? He threw his phone towards the foot of his bed and rolled onto his side.

He got through this alone every other time. He could handle it.

 

* * *

 

 

Fukurodani Academy won every single game they played in the spring high. They were once again the favorite to win the fall play-offs which would send them to nationals. Akaashi didn't get a chance to play in any of the games, but he still felt the charge of excitement as his team claimed victory after victory. This was what it was like playing for a powerhouse school.

The team had only a short break between the tournament and their annual summer training camp. There was a temporary relaxation of their training schedule. However, Akaashi still spent a good amount of time training with Bokuto anywhere he could. He hoped to play enough at camp that the coach would take note of him and maybe begin starting him later in the season. Akaashi respected the fact that he didn't have the experience or the rapport with the team that their current setter had, but he still believed he was talented enough to start this year.

In addition, Akaashi found himself spending more and more time at Bokuto’s house. He went there after school to study, hung out on the weekends after their jogs, and spent the night when he lost track of time and didn’t want to walk home late at night. He and Bokuto had reached a comfortable place where just being in the same room was enough. They were content to do their homework or read books without interacting as long as they were together. They were also guilty of staying up late into the night talking about everything and nothing.

Akaashi hadn’t had a close friend in a long time, and while it took some adjusting, he was incredibly grateful for everything Bokuto had done for him. He found himself deflecting all thoughts involving something beyond friendship. What they had was important and not worth ruining. Still, Akaashi regularly caught himself daydreaming more than he should. No matter how many times he told himself to let it go, he always came back to the same what if’s. He wasn’t sure how long he was willing to continue fighting himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Finally, the beginning of training camp rolled around.

It was a fairly short ride to Shinzen. Akaashi ended up next to Bokuto on the bus and spent most of the ride listening to his constant narration of interesting landmarks they drove by. Bokuto's idea of interesting landmarks includes an ice cream place he visited with his grandma once, a bus stop where he saw a really cool dog, and this river where he and some friends went swimming back in elementary school and he somehow lost his swim trunks and had to spend an hour standing in the middle of the river hoping nobody swam too close until his mom could bring him a change of clothes.

Akaashi felt a little nervous as they pulled into the parking lot and saw several other buses full of boys unloading. For once, he found himself feeling grateful that Bokuto never left his side.

He followed Bokuto off the bus, and they began collecting their bags that were stored underneath.

"Oi!" Akaashi jumped at the unexpected interruption. He turned slowly to see who was addressing him and how likely he was to engage him in battle. He saw a tall boy in a Nekoma shirt with dark, absolutely shitty hair. He seemed to be addressing Bokuto.

"Oi! You!" he repeated, coming closer. "The hell are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question, punk." Bokuto approached the boy, positively bristling. Akaashi was a little afraid and very weirded out.

"You think you can just waltz up to me like you own the place?"

"You don't even own the place, ya piece of shit. What makes you think you can talk like that?" The two were now practically nose-to-nose.

"You wanna go?" The stranger shouted.

"Yeah. Let's go."

"Let's go!"

"Let's go, pretty boy!" The boy's demeanor totally changed. He dropped all defenses and raised a hand slowly to his cheek.

"You... You think I'm pretty?" Bokuto placed a hand on his other cheek.

"I think you're beautiful."

"Bro."

"Bro." The stranger wrapped Bokuto in a bear hug and lifted him off the ground. Akaashi was still lost.

"I've missed you, kid." The stranger put Bokuto down and clapped him on the back.

"You too, bro." Bokuto finally turned back to Akaashi. "Hey Akaashi, this is my best bro Kuroo that I've been telling you about. Kuroo, this is Akaashi."

"Ohhh, the one you never shut up about?" Kuroo turned to Akaashi with a lazy grin.

"What? Come on, dude." Bokuto’s face turned an unnatural shade of red.

"Are you going to deny the fact that every time we talk it's 'Akaashi this' and 'Akaashi that'?"

"I don't do that!" Bokuto kept looking back and forth between Kuroo and Akaashi. Should his face be that color?

"Anyway, nice to finally meet you, Akaashi."

"...You too."

“And this little guy back here won’t introduce himself, but this is Kenma.”

Akaashi noticed for the first time a small boy standing close behind Kuroo. He was clearly busy with his phone, but he looked up just long enough to acknowledge Akaashi’s existence.

Kuroo quickly turned back to Bokuto

"Hey man, you want to go scope out the place?"

"Hell yeah!" Bokuto scooped up his bags and ran off with Kuroo before Akaashi could even think to say anything. He turned back to Kenma.

“Akaashi,” he offered as an introduction.

“I know.” Kenma kept looking at his phone. Akaashi liked him already.

"Akaashi?" He felt his stomach drop as he heard a familiar voice behind him. He turned to see dark hair and an all-too-familiar smile.

"Chigaya?" He slowly took in the Shinzen shirt he was wearing. He kicked himself for not anticipating his presence here. Of course he would continue to play in high school and of course it would be one of the Fukurodani Group schools and of course they'd run into each other at camp.

"Wow, so you actually got into Fukurodani. I knew you were trying out, but I didn't hear if you got in or not. Congrats!"

"Thanks. Same to you. Shinzen is a good school."

"Thanks! Hey we should hang out this week during free time." Akaashi felt sick.

"We'll see. Excuse me." He caught a glimpse of a navy blue shirt going by and ran to join his teammate, not caring who it was. He felt a sense of relief when he recognized the head of sandy blond hair.

"Oh hey, Akaashi."

"Konoha-san."

“Do you need someone to show you were to go?"

“Yes please."

"Sure! Hey, where's Bokuto?"

"He ran off with some guy from Nekoma." The implications of his remark settled in. "What made you think I'd know where he is?"

"Do you even have to ask? You two are practically inseparable." Konoha gave him a knowing smile. Akaashi simmered.

As they walked up the steps to the building, Akaashi quickly glanced over his shoulder to see Chigaya's eyes following him.

This was going to be a long week.

 

* * *

 

 

The sound of the whistle echoed through the gym, announcing the end of the last set of the day. Bokuto roared in excitement and ran around congratulating his teammates as Ubugawa skulked off the other side of the net to begin their penalty.

Akaashi hadn't gotten a chance to play that day, but the coach promised that the second string teams would get a chance to play each other the next day. Akaashi was itching to get his hands on a volleyball, so when Bokuto ran up to him, he immediately agreed to spiking practice. Of course Bokuto insisted on dragging Kuroo along to block for them.

Most of the gyms were filled with people doing independent practice, so the three of them had to venture all the way out to the third gym.

"So, how long have you been playing, Akaashi?" Kuroo asked as they set up the net.

"Since elementary school."

"And you're a setter?"

"Yeah."

"I hear you keep up with this asshole's insane spiking practices every week."

"You're the asshole!" Bokuto yelled from across the room.

"Fuck you!"

"Well, it’s good practice for me as well," Akaashi replied. Bokuto trotted over with the ball carriage.

"Yeah, Akaashi's gonna be setter next year, and I'm gonna be the ace, so all that time by ourselves is great. It's good for us to start feeling each other out now." Akaashi turned to him sharply.

"Phrasing, Bokuto-san."

"So that's what you spend all that time alone in the gym doing?" Kuroo grinned. Bokuto took a second to think over what he said. When it hit him, his face flushed bright red. Akaashi wanted to hit both him and Kuroo.

"Dude, I said 'feeling out' not 'feeling up'!"

"It's not about what you said, it's about what you meant. Well, if you're ready, let's see what you've got, _ace_." He spat the word in the most derogatory way and grinned as Bokuto fumed. Akaashi gathered that Kuroo enjoyed riling people up.

They finished setting up and got into position – Bokuto and Akaashi on one side and Kuroo on the other.

"Alright, guys. You ready?" After getting confirmation, Bokuto tossed the ball to Akaashi and began his run up.

Akaashi set the ball exactly where it needed to be. Their timing was perfect, and Bokuto’s spike sent the ball right past Kuroo's hand. It crashed into the other side of the court with a satisfying slam. Akaashi couldn’t resist a self-satisfied smirk.

"Nice kill."

"Nice toss! That was perfect!" Bokuto ran up and high-fived Akaashi.

"Damn, you've definitely been working on that spike." Kuroo shook his hand out.

"Well, somebody's got to be ace next year." Bokuto puffed his chest up, and Akaashi failed to hide a scoff. He looked so much like an owl.

"Guess I should stop going easy on you, then."

"Oh please. You weren't going easy."

"Really? Try me." Bokuto grabbed another ball out of the carriage.

"Ready?" Akaashi flashed him a quick sign behind his back. Bokuto grinned and nodded before tossing the ball and running up. Akaashi set the ball in a slightly different place than before. Bokuto drove the ball right past Kuroo's arm once more, sending it thundering onto the other side of the court. Kuroo just stared.

"A straight? Since when can you do a straight?"

"What do you think we spend all that time in the gym practicing? Don’t answer that. That was perfect, Akaashi!"

"Thanks."

Kuroo shook his head.

"Alright. I underestimated you two."

"Clearly."   

"Give me another one." Kuroo was looking pretty fired up at this point. Akaashi was worried about Bokuto becoming equally fired up and getting reckless.

"Bokuto-san. You know they say third time's the charm, so be careful on this one."

"Akaashi, why'd you jinx it?!?"

"Make it a good one. Ready when you are." Kuroo laughed at him across the net. Bokuto grabbed another ball and took a moment to focus – exactly what Akaashi wanted. He tossed the ball up and ran towards the net. Akaashi tossed perfectly and watched with satisfaction as Bokuto hit a solid spike right into Kuroo’s palm. The ball fell behind Bokuto.

"Yaaay!" Kuroo celebrated.

"Akaashi! See, you jinxed it!"

"Are you sure it wasn't because you weren't focusing?" Bokuto froze. Kuroo began laughing.

"Akaashi, you're my new favorite."

"Thank you."

The rest of the evening passed in a similar fashion. They worked on technique and mocked each other as ball after ball flew across the net. They practiced as late as they could, breaking just in time to grab food from the dining hall. They parted ways after their meal and headed to their respective rooms.

"Akaashi, where are you sleeping?"

"I hadn't really picked a spot."

"You should sleep next to me."   

"I don't think so. You strike me as the kind of guy who snores."

"Akaashi, that's so mean! I don't snore!" They entered their room to find most of their teammates already settling in. "Hey, do I snore?" Bokuto asked the room. A chorus of yeah's resounded through the room.

Akaashi just gave Bokuto a look before going over to his bag.

"Really, guys?"

"You definitely do." Sarukui responded. "Which is why we put you in the corner."

"Aww, come on."

"Oh and the only futon left is the one next to him, so sorry Akaashi." Akaashi took a deep breath before speaking.

"It's fine."

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi wiped the sweat from his forehead and glanced down at his watch.

"Hey, we need to get going if we want to eat."

"Oh shit, is it that late already?" Bokuto spun to look at the clock on the gym wall before running around frantically collecting balls. Kuroo joined Akaashi in taking down the net.

"Are you planning to tell him that clock is wrong?” Akaashi asked.

“I was actually planning on just watching him tire himself out.”

“Good plan.”

The third day of training camp was drawing to a close. Yamiji-san had let Akaashi play in a surprising number of sets. He was quickly earning recognition and respect from his teammates. His ability to read Bokuto was proving to be an asset, and the two of them had quickly become an infamous duo.

Even though they worked all day, they always met Kuroo in the third gym in the evenings for independent practice. They learned a lot from each other in the few hours they spent every night. Akaashi was definitely enjoying himself so far.

"Alriiight! Food!" Bokuto took off towards the dining hall, not caring that Kuroo and Akaashi were far behind him.

"Bokuto-san!" Bokuto didn't seem to hear him, so Akaashi let it go.

"You know, you two make a pretty great couple," Kuroo commented. Akaashi started.

"What?"

"Well, you're phenomenal together on the court, and off the court, you're the only person I know who can really keep him in check. You were made for each other."

"It's... not like that."

"Oh sorry, are you straight? That's awkward." Akaashi chose his words carefully.

"It's not that. It's just that... we're friends. There's nothing more going on." He didn't like how closely Kuroo was watching him as he fumbled with his words. He seemed to understand everything Akaashi wasn't saying.

"Alright. Well I still think you two would be great together." They walked a ways in silence.

"Wait, is Bokuto-san straight?" Kuroo laughed.

"He's gay as hell. Maybe don't tell him I mentioned that, but yeah, the boy is incredibly homosexual." Akaashi's heart caught in his throat. As long as he could convince himself Bokuto was straight, he was safe. Now he was faced with a huge fucking problem.

He tried to push the issue aside as they entered the dining hall. Bokuto was already seated and making short work of a giant plate of food. He looked up as his friends approached.

"Hey Akaashi, you don't look so hot." Out of the corner of his eye, Akaashi could see Kuroo turn to give him a look. He was ready to punch a man.

"Don't talk with your mouth full." He decided he wasn't in the mood to deal with these two so he wandered off in search of food. He grabbed a plateful and sat away from where Bokuto and Kuroo were in a heated discussion about something.

"Hey, Akaashi."

Akaashi dared the universe to make this night even weirder.

"Hi, Chigaya." He watched in apprehension as Chigaya slid into the seat next to him. Why did this have to happen now? Couldn't Akaashi just have his gay crisis in peace?

“Great job in the match earlier."

"Thanks. Have you gotten a chance to play yet?"

"Nah, not yet, but Coach said he may start rotating some of us through just to get us used to playing in matches."

“That's good." Akaashi hated the small talk routine. They both knew why Chigaya had approached him, and Akaashi was ready to just get it over with.

"Hey, do you want to hang out tonight?" There it was. Akaashi had already prepared an excuse.

"I shouldn't. I need to get as much sleep as I can." He kept his focus on his plate.

"Are you sure? Just for a little while?" He slid his thigh against Akaashi's. Only then did Akaashi realize how pent-up he felt. That same self-destructive urge had been coursing through him for the past few days, and he realized this might be his last chance to separate himself from his feelings for Bokuto. He answered reluctantly.

"Alright, just for a little while." Akaashi turned away from that smile.

"Where are you guys sleeping? Is it the... east wing?"

"Yeah."

"Let's say meet by the east bathroom half an hour after lights out."

"Alright."

"See you then." Chigaya ran a hand along Akaashi's thigh as he stood up. Akaashi just felt sick. He couldn't finish the rest of his food and decided he needed to go to his room. Unfortunately, he needed to walk by Bokuto and Kuroo in order to leave, and of course they couldn't just let him creep away in peace.

"Hey Akaashi, how do you know that guy from Shinzen?"

"We went to the same middle school. I don't-"

"You two seem pretty close," Kuroo said lightly. Akaashi stared him down. He always seemed to see more than he should.

"We _were_ pretty close. I'm going up to the room to lie down."

"Do you feel bad?" Bokuto asked.

"Yeah."

"Awww, Akaashi." Bokuto looked so concerned that it was actually kind of adorable. Akaashi felt the familiar pulling in his chest. It hit him so hard that he had to physically take a step back to pull himself out of it.

"I'll see you later."

"Take care of yourself!" Bokuto called after him. Akaashi hurried through the halls of the school and became lost in thought.

Why the hell was he so afraid of admitting that he liked Bokuto? Because he did. He liked Bokuto. A whole fucking lot. Sure he talked a lot and made a big deal out of everything, but he was so honest and joyful. He was a bright place in Akaashi's life. It's almost impossible to feel upset or depressed when in the presence of someone who so genuinely loves life and gets excited about little things, and Akaashi couldn't believe someone like that enjoyed his presence and chose to be around him all the time.

Maybe he was just afraid of losing what they had. Maybe he was afraid of the warm, fuzzy feelings giving way and leaving the two of them vulnerable and at odds. Maybe he was afraid of hurting Bokuto and being hurt.

A small voice inside of him asked if a bad ending would really make a relationship worthless.

He was meeting Chigaya tonight to kill that voice.

 

Akaashi laid facing the wall, waiting in agony for lights out. One by one, the boys all settled in, and Bokuto cautiously stepped over him to curl up in his futon.

"Hey Akaashi." Bokuto spoke in a loud whisper, turning to face him. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Not really."

"Nooo, I'm sorry. Well, get lots of sleep. Have you been staying hydrated? I can get you some water."

"I'm fine." Akaashi pulled his blanket over his head. He knew he was coming across as rude, but he couldn't do this. His heart was too heavy.

"Ok. Good night."

"Good night."

The call came for lights out, and Akaashi waited through a painfully slow thirty minutes. As he illuminated the face of his watch every other minute, he wondered if it was too late to text Chigaya and tell him he couldn't meet him. He couldn't come up with a valid excuse, so he passed the time by watching the second hand creep in its circle.

Eventually, the time rolled around, and Akaashi slipped out of his futon. He could hear the heavy breathing of the boys who had already fallen asleep as he crept around them and out the door. He headed to the bathroom, feeling a pit of anxiety in his stomach. He wasn't sure why this time was so much worse than normal.

He and Chigaya approached the bathroom door at the same time. Instead of going inside, Chigaya grabbed Akaashi's hand and led him further down the hall. He pulled Akaashi inside a storage closet and fumbled around for a light switch.

"Wait, we should leave the lights off in case someone walks by," Akaashi whispered.

“Don't worry. They can't see it from outside." Chigaya hit the switch, and the room became dimly illuminated. Akaashi briefly wondered how many other boys Chigaya had pulled in here before him. His train of thought was interrupted as he was backed against a wall and pulled into a deep kiss.

If this had happened months ago, it would have been exciting. The fact that there were other people around who could walk by and hear or see them should have had Akaashi's heart pounding. The way Chigaya pulled and bit at his lips in all the right ways should have had him desperate for more.

But he felt nothing.

Afraid of his own reaction, Akaashi kissed back harder and ground desperately against the knee that was shoved between his legs. He would make himself have a reaction if that's what it took. Because if this didn't turn him on anymore, it meant that he needed something more.

"You're more into this than usual. Has it been that long?" That smile drifted into the corner of Akaashi's vision as Chigaya pulled away to kiss down his neck. One of his hands slid up Akaashi's shirt and traced down his spine, ending dangerously low. Akaashi felt himself getting hard out of pure obligation more than anything else.

He stared at the opposite wall, fighting with himself as Chigaya hooked a finger in his waistband. It suddenly became clear to him.

He didn't want this.

"Hey..." He pushed Chigaya's hands away. They moved right back in. "Hey." He tried to push him back, but his wrists were pinned hard against the wall. His heart sped up as Chigaya leaned close to his ear.

"You did not bring me all the way out here to wuss out."

"Look, I'm not in the mood."

"You can't get me turned on, then say no. That's unfair to both of us." He pressed his thigh harder between Akaashi’s legs. "Look, I’m just trying to-"

He was interrupted by the door swinging open.     

Akaashi was grateful that his first instinct was to turn his head away from the door to hide his face. The back of his head hopefully looked generic enough to be unrecognizable.

There was a long, terrifying moment of silence.

"Oooops, my bad. Looks like you two had the same idea." Was that Kuroo? "I'll leave you to it then. Sorry again. Make good choices." The door shut. Tension was thick in the air as the two boys listened to the footsteps moving away from the door.

Akaashi let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding.

"Was he from Nekoma?" Akaashi asked.

“I think so. Why, do you know him?"

"Yeah." There was a good chance that Kuroo had recognized Akaashi. He would have to confront him about it later. In the meantime, he was brought back to his current situation. "Look, we shouldn't be doing this." He stared down at the front of Chigaya’s shirt, but he could still see his expression out of the corner of his eye.

"Just like that, huh?" They sat in silence. "Then what do you intend to do about this?" Chigaya pressed his knee into Akaashi's erection. Akaashi looked away. "Just stay a little longer. Don't worry. I'll make it good for you, too." Chigaya kept the other boy’s wrists pinned firmly to the wall, an unspoken demand.

As usual, that smile was the last thing Akaashi remembered clearly.

 

Akaashi laid awake a long time that night, feeling the sensation of being in his skin.

He had let Chigaya get his way again. He just now realized it had always been like that. Chigaya had pulled him under, and Akaashi was just along for the ride.

His mind was dragged around in circles, unsure of what to think or feel. He was flooded with memories spanning years. Whenever he started to turn one over too much, he felt nausea pressing at the back of his throat and had to shift his position until it subsided for a moment before another memory dragged it back.

He had broken it off with Chigaya as he laid pressed between him and the closet wall catching his breath. Their relationship had grown into something neither of them could control, and he didn't feel safe in it. After Akaashi explained this, Chigaya scoffed at him and left him alone to put himself back together.

Akaashi had sat alone for a long moment. Chigaya had gotten too rough in a heated moment and accidentally bruised his hip. Akaashi pressed the bruise over and over again. He hoped it would hurt for a long time.

The bottom line was that Akaashi realized he couldn't be satisfied with mindless indulgence any longer. He needed more than physical sensation. In short, he was left with no other choice but to accept his feelings for Bokuto. He told himself he didn't have to act on them, but at the very least, he couldn't keep running away anymore.

He turned his head to see Bokuto lying next to him, facing the opposite wall. His breathing was unusually shallow, and he had been still for a really long time now.

Grasping at straws, Akaashi whispered, "Bokuto-san, are you awake?"

No answer. Maybe he was asleep after all.

Akaashi turned over and tried once more to fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi realized he had zoned out again. He brought himself back to focus on the set he was watching.

It was one of the first sets this week that they were doing poorly on. There was one clear reason why.

"It seems a little early to me," one of the second-years on the bench was saying.

"I'm not surprised. I think he's been in a bad mood all morning," his friend replied. Akaashi watched with concern as Bokuto bounced the ball a few times to himself, preparing to serve. His normally cheerful face was contorted into an expression of extreme concentration.

The whistle blew. Bokuto took a deep breath and served. He went for a jump serve, and Akaashi winced. He could already tell it was out.    

Sure enough, the ball slammed into the court far outside the line. Bokuto stared at the floor for a long moment. Was he shaking? Akaashi looked around. Nobody else appeared disturbed by this.

“That's it," he said quietly. Akaashi noticed all the players on the court sigh and shake their heads. Bokuto turned his back to the team. "Don't give me the ball! I can't be useful anymore!"

Yamiji walked over to the bench, his lips set in a firm line.    

"Sarukui, you're up."

"Yessir." Sarukui jumped up and waited on the side of the court to sub in. Akaashi watched as Bokuto slumped off the court and approached the coach with his head hanging. Akaashi was sitting just close enough to hear their conversation.

"Do you understand why I pulled you out?" he asked quietly.

"Because I'm screwing up."

"No, I pulled you out because you're getting too emotional. Take this time to calm down, Bokuto."

"Yes, sir." He sat on a bench away from the rest of his team with his head in his hands. Akaashi turned the second-year next to him.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh him? Yeah, he does this every once in a while when he has off days. We call it his Dejected Mode." Clearly this was a normal occurrence if the team had a nickname for it. It still didn't feel right.

"He hasn't been doing it as much this season, though," another second-year added.

"Yeah, isn't this the first time? That's probably a record."

The game was back in session now, and Yamiji approached the bench again.

"Hey, Akaashi."

"Sir?"

"Why don't you go talk to him?"

"I don't think talking is going to snap him out of it," one of the second-years interjected.

"Well, I think Akaashi is the person he's closest to on the team." Yamiji turned back to him. "I don't think I've seen the two of you apart since the season started. Are you willing to give it a try?" Akaashi wasn't a fan of this reputation he'd picked up.

"Yes, sir."

Akaashi stood up and slowly moved towards where Bokuto was, taking a seat next to him. Bokuto looked over, ready to snap, but when he saw it was Akaashi, he seemed resigned. They sat in silence for several moments.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm a failure, that's what's wrong. I fall apart when I lose my concentration." Bokuto kept his eyes fixed on the floor.

"Is that all?"

"What do you mean, is that all?"

"I mean is that the only reason you feel bad about yourself?"

"Well... I guess."

"So you're ignoring the fact that you're vice-captain, a starter, and the top-scoring second-year on the team."

"None of that means anything if I can't get the damn ball in play."

"You're ignoring the fact that you do get the damn ball in play. You can't be top scorer if you miss all the time." Bokuto was wriggling a little bit. Akaashi noticed the benched second-years watching them. He gave them a sharp glare before turning his attention back to Bokuto. "What percentage of the time do you usually score? I mean overall." Bokuto picked at his palm.

"I mean... a pretty high percentage."

"So why are you focusing on the few times you miss? They just seem overwhelming because they all happen at the same time."

"...I guess."

"You're going to be captain next year right? And the ace?" Bokuto perked up a little.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am."

"Well that's half a year away." Bokuto deflated again slightly. "My point is, you have time. Take this year to work on this. Next year, give your teammates a captain they can look up to." Bokuto was definitely cheering up now.

"Yeah. Ok!"

Akaashi let their knees brush as Bokuto turned to give him his usual brilliant smile. Even though no skin touched through their pads, his heart still sped up.

"Alright, ok. Do you think he'll let me back in this set?" Bokuto was definitely all better now. That was easier than Akaashi had thought it'd be.

"Probably not. It's almost over. Come watch it with the rest of us." He stood up, and Bokuto followed suit.

"Akaashi." He turned around. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He turned away so Bokuto wouldn't see the slight flush he felt on his cheeks.

As he watched Bokuto stand on the sidelines and cheer on his teammates, Akaashi felt sure of his decision to accept his feelings for him. He really did feel safe and comfortable around Bokuto in a way no one else had made him feel. And maybe one day he'd get stupid enough to act on those feelings. For once, Akaashi let himself feel optimistic.

The match ended. Fukurodani barely pulled through and won. The boys streamed out of the gym hurrying towards the dining hall. On the way, Kuroo sidled up next to Akaashi.

"So, exactly how close are you and that guy from Shinzen?" Shit. Kuroo had recognized him. Akaashi swallowed a wave of nausea and looked around to make sure Bokuto was out of sight.

"Look, about last night-"

"I don't need an explanation. I was just curious. Also are you guys going to keep using that room or should I find another?"

"We're not... No. Do whatever you want. Just..." Akaashi looked around again. "Just don't tell Bokuto-san." Kuroo gave him a long look.

"Alright, I won't tell Bokuto."

"Thanks."

After obtaining food, the two of them joined Bokuto and a few other Fukurodani members at a table.

"So Bokuto," Kuroo began as he slid into a seat. "I heard you went into Dejected Mode again."

"So what?"

"Yeah, but did you hear that it took Akaashi a solid three minutes to talk him down?" Konoha leaned in and contributed.

“Two minutes, 43 seconds,” Sarukui added with his mouth full.

"Three minutes? That's a record," Kuroo looked genuinely surprised.

"Come on, guys." Bokuto looked pretty uncomfortable.

“What did you say to him?" Sarukui leaned over to ask Akaashi.

"Doesn't matter." Akaashi kept his focus on his food and continued eating.

"Aww come on."

"Did you threaten him?" Akaashi thought quickly and started feeling his pockets.

"I left something in the room. I'll be right back." He stood up and kicked Bokuto under the table. Bokuto cast him a betrayed look before figuring out what he meant.

"I'll go with you!" Bokuto jumped up and followed him out the door.

Once they were in the hall, Bokuto let out a breath he'd been holding.

"Thanks, Akaashi."

"No problem." They walked in silence for a ways. "Do you... want to talk?"

"What?" Bokuto looked nervous.

"You don't have to, I just..." Akaashi paused as a group of boys walked by. "I'm guessing those mood swings come from something other than volleyball." Bokuto stared at the floor.

"Actually... yeah. Something did happen."

"So do you want to talk about it?" Bokuto shuffled his feet.

"Not really."

"That's fine. But if this keeps happening, I'm going to drag it out of you. You’ll feel better if you talk about it anyway." Bokuto chuckled.

"Thanks, Akaashi. You're a really good friend." Akaashi could see there was more to that sentence that didn't quite make it out. The tips of Bokuto's ears turned red, and he abruptly turned away. "Ah, I actually have to use the bathroom. I’m just gonna..." He ducked into a door behind him. A door that definitely led to an office and not a bathroom.

Akaashi shook his head and continued down the hall.

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the week dragged on.

Akaashi couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned and rolled and got up and laid back down until late in the night. The nausea always came back at night, and he couldn’t figure out the trick to making it go away. Several times, he was tempted to wake Bokuto up, but he didn't really know what purpose that would serve. He couldn't tell him what had happened, so what good would it do? He just felt comforted by the thought of talking to Bokuto, as stupid as that was.

His lack of sleep reflected in his playing. Towards the beginning of the week, he and Bokuto had been a powerful weapon. Now, they were all disjointed. Akaashi didn't have the energy to play, and Bokuto acted aggressive and irritable. Akaashi was secretly worried that he was waking him up during the night with all his shifting around, and Bokuto was irritated from lack of sleep. He went into Dejected Mode two more times. Akaashi had to work increasingly harder to talk him out of it.

During breaks, Akaashi either holed up in the room or shadowed Bokuto, Kuroo, and Kenma. He ran into Chigaya several times, but the encounters involved nothing more than Akaashi glaring at him and Chigaya quickly looking away.

At long last, the camp ended. Bokuto and Kuroo said a tearful goodbye, and Akaashi just got on the bus as quickly as possible. He had hoped to sit alone, but Bokuto found him and settled in next to him.

Unlike the ride to camp, Bokuto was very quiet. Akaashi realized he had never gone this long in his presence before without hearing him talk. Bokuto spent the whole ride staring out the window, and Akaashi spent the ride resting, working against the swaying of the bus to keep his head from accidentally lolling onto Bokuto's shoulder, as much as he wanted to do just that.

They arrived at the school, unpacked, said their goodbyes, and walked home together just like always. Bokuto finally spoke.

"I normally love training camp, but I'm glad that one's over."

"Yeah." They walked a ways in silence.

Akaashi wondered what had driven them apart. He couldn't attach a name, but he sensed that something had come between them. Maybe they had just spent too much time together. That didn't seem very likely, seeing how they usually spent every day together.

Akaashi was so lost in thought that he turned to walk up to his front door without saying anything to Bokuto. He was snapped back into reality when Bokuto called his name.

"While I'm here, could I get the book I left last week?"

"Oh... yeah." Bokuto followed Akaashi up the steps. Akaashi twisted the door handle to find it locked. "That's weird," he muttered under his breath. He fished his keys out and unlocked the door.

They stepped into an empty house. Akaashi dropped his bags by the door and wandered into the study to check his parents’ calendar. It looked like they had plans overnight tonight. Additionally, Akaashi noticed the training camp dates were written down wrong. They thought it ended tomorrow. Nice.

Akaashi joined Bokuto at the kitchen table and called his mom, burning with ire.

"Keiji?"

"Hey, Mom. I just got home from camp and-"

"Wait, it ended today?"

"Yeah. I saw you had the dates wrong." He heard an exasperated sigh on the other end of the phone and gave Bokuto a look. He nodded sympathetically in return.

“Well I don't know what you expect me to do. Your father and I won't be home until tomorrow, and I don't want you home alone. Why did you tell me it ended on the 16th?" Akaashi gripped the table. It ended on the 15th. He'd told her a million times. He’d written it down for her. He'd told her his exact plans. This wasn't his fault.

"I thought I said the 15th," he replied in an even voice. His mother sighed again.

"Well, you need to come up with a plan. You can't be home by yourself overnight."

"What if I stayed over at Bokuto-san's house?"

"That'd be fine."

"He's right here; I'll ask him." Akaashi moved the phone away from his face. "Hey, can I spend the night?"

"That should be fine. Let me check with my mom." Bokuto left the room to call. Akaashi sat listening to the dead silence on the line, waiting for his mother to make small talk. She didn’t, which was fine. Bokuto returned after a few minutes. "Yeah, that's fine," he replied, sliding back into his seat. Akaashi relayed this to his mom.

"Alright, then. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ok, bye." Akaashi hung up then rubbed his forehead. "I'm sorry, Bokuto-san."

"Nah, no problem. I get it."

"While I'm here, let me grab you that book, and..." He looked over at his bag by the door. "I guess I won't bother re-packing."

 

The Bokuto household is usually noisy and lively, but not in an overbearing way. That happens when you have an eight-year-old, a ten-year-old, and a sixteen-year-old who acts half his age living under one roof.

As soon as Bokuto and Akaashi walked through the door, they were accosted by Bokuto's younger brother and sister. They wouldn't go away until Bokuto gave them piggybacks through the halls at least twice and Akaashi gave them three hugs each. They made their way into the house with children hanging off of them. Bokutos’ mother greeted them in the kitchen and made sure they’d had enough to eat before they finally made it to Bokuto’s room.

The room was silent compared to the rest of the house. The contrast disturbed Akaashi for some reason. He watched as Bokuto set up the guest futon.

"I'm sorry to do this to you. I'm sure you just want to rest tonight," Akaashi said quietly.

"It's fine. I mean, we don't always interact the whole time you're over."

"That's true."

"I feel kinda bad for you, honestly. After training camp, the thing I'm most excited for is getting back in my own bed."

"This is practically my second bed at this point," Akaashi commented, gesturing to the futon.

"Well, just to even things out, I'll let you have my bed tonight, and I'll take the futon."

"You don't have to."

"Yeah, but I want to."

"Bokuto-san, you just said-"

"No arguments." Bokuto dropped his pillow onto the futon and put Akaashi's on the bed, signifying an end to the discussion.

"Thank you," Akaashi replied quietly. He let out a long yawn. It was still early, but damn, he was tired.

"Do you want to just go to bed?" Bokuto asked.

"Yeah, that sounds great."

"Great." They started getting ready for bed. As Akaashi dug through his bag, he immediately regretted not repacking. He called to Bokuto who was just down the hall.

"Bokuto-san, I'm borrowing some of your clothes."

"Ok." This was another habit he'd adopted. Often after their jogs or for impromptu sleepovers, he found himself changing into some of Bokuto's clothes. It was a little thing, but it made him feel secure for some reason.

After they both changed, washed their faces, and brushed their teeth, they messed around on their phones for a bit before settling in. Bokuto shut off the lights.

"Good night, Akaashi."

"Good night." Akaashi burrowed into Bokuto's bed. He found himself immersed in Bokuto's scent and immediately relaxed. For the first time in days, he drifted off to an easy sleep.

 

Akaashi felt lips brush his jawline. He hummed in response, feeling the bed dip as someone shifted above him. His hand reached out and tangled in thick hair. The lips moved from his jaw down his neck and settled on his collarbone. Fingers ghosted down his chest. He arched his back to meet their touch. A hand settled on his hip, and a thumb slid up under his shirt, playing with the band of his pants.   

Akaashi felt a stabbing pain in his hip. He jolted.

The hand slid further up his bare abdomen, burning as it went. Akaashi opened his mouth to cry out, but his lips were covered by another's. He was suffocating. He felt nausea building as he tried in vain to suck air in. He suddenly found himself upright, back pressed against a hard surface, unable to move. His wrists were fixed to the wall, and a presence loomed in front of him. That smile floated in his field of vision, turning his stomach over and filling him with dread.

" _You have nothing to worry about._ " Akaashi couldn't move. He couldn't move. His wrists were fixed fast to the wall, and he couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't-

 

Akaashi jolted awake, fighting to remember how to breathe. For several disorienting seconds, he didn't recognize where he was. His stomach turned as he struggled into an upright position, grasping for a hold of his surroundings.

He recognized Bokuto's room in the dim light of the night light, which eased him a little. His heart continued stuttering as he fought for breath. Why the hell couldn't he breathe? He wrapped his arms around himself tightly, trying to stop himself from shaking. He felt vulnerable, like he was a little kid again. The nausea was pressing hard against his throat and he couldn’t swallow it down. He couldn’t breathe or cough or think or-

"Akaashi?" He turned to see Bokuto's face over the edge of the bed. "Akaashi, what's wrong?" He quickly joined him on the bed, trying to peer into his face. Akaashi couldn't speak to reply to him and felt panic build as he failed to catch his breath. Bokuto began gently rubbing his back.

The second Bokuto touched him, something broke. Akaashi choked on a sob and squeezed his eyes shut against the impending flood of tears, but it came anyway. He let out an ungodly wail that hopefully wasn't loud enough to wake anyone up, and began sobbing. He finally began to catch his breath.

Bokuto pulled him into his arms and held him fast. Akaashi gripped his arm and sobbed into his shoulder. He cried for everything that had happened in the past few days, the past few months. He cried for every time he had needed to let it out, but couldn't connect to his emotions. He hated that it was happening here and now, but Bokuto was a perfect, calm presence for him to cling to.

"I'm here. You're safe now," Bokuto murmured over and over until Akaashi's breathing returned to normal and his heart finally settled. His head was pulsing and his throat felt thick, but that awful pressure at the back of his throat was finally gone. He didn't even realize how long it had been there.

"Thank you," he whispered, hating how choked his voice sounded.

"Hey, I've got you. I'm always here for you. I'll punch anything in the face if it tries to mess with you." Akaashi's laugh sounded more like a sob. He pulled away to wipe his eyes. He noticed Bokuto was staring.

"What?"

"It's unfair. You still manage to look good after crying."

"You don't have to lie to make me feel better."

"I'm not lying," he pouted. "You're just unfair." Akaashi’s lips turned up in a small smile. He leaned in and rested his forehead on Bokuto's shoulder. Bokuto played with the hair at the nape of his neck. "Was it a bad dream?"

"Yeah."

"Is it something you want to talk about?" It might have just been his imagination, but it seemed like Bokuto leaned in to kiss his head, but settled for resting his cheek against his temple.

"No."

"Ok." Akaashi sat back. "Are you good?"

"Yeah, thanks." Akaashi wiped his eyes again, and Bokuto shifted as if to stand up. Without his permission, his hand shot forward and grabbed Bokuto's wrist. "Um..." He kept his eyes fixed on the sheets. "Would you mind... sleeping up here with me? I just..."

"I don't mind at all." Akaashi just nodded and slid his pillow over. Bokuto grabbed his off the futon and slid under the covers. Akaashi joined him.

They stayed on their sides of the bed, but left their wrists crossed in the space between them. Feeling safe, Akaashi drifted into a dreamless sleep.

 

Akaashi woke up first. He hadn't shifted at all during the night. He realized Bokuto hadn't either. They were still facing each other, wrists crossed in the center. Bokuto was still breathing heavily.

Akaashi watched him sleep as the memories of the night before trickled through his mind. He wouldn't have gotten through that without Bokuto. He couldn't even imagine what it would have been like, shaking and choking alone in his room with no release. He owed Bokuto so much.

He finally gave into temptation and traced his fingers along the back of Bokuto's. He turned the other boy's hand over and tried fitting his palm into the larger, calloused one.

Bokuto suddenly shifted and inhaled deeply. Akaashi quickly withdrew his hand as Bokuto stretched and cracked an eye open.

"G'morning, Akaashi," he mumbled.

"Morning."

"Did you sleep ok?"

"Yeah. How about you?"

"Cool." Akaashi wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but he let it slide. He was still watching the other boy’s hands as they gripped at the sheet and pulled it over his head.

“Cool,” he repeated.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi set the ball exactly where Bokuto likes it. Even so, he winced as Bokuto had a bad run-up and hit it wrong.

"Dammit!" The ball barely landed in bounds. Bokuto stomped over to the carriage and grabbed another.

"Bokuto-san, take a water break."

"I'm fine. I can't stop until I get this right."

"I said, take a break." Akaashi stared daggers at him until he caved and set the ball back down. He stormed over to his water bottle and took a long drink. "You realize that your concentration is terrible."

"Of course I do."

Akaashi took a deep breath. It was time.

"At camp, I asked you what was wrong, and you said something had happened."

"I said I didn't want to talk about it."

"And I said I would drag it out of you if you kept holding the team back, and you are. You haven't played like yourself for the past week since we got back."

Bokuto grabbed a ball out of the carriage and hit a fierce jump serve. Akaashi felt the vibrations through the floor as it slammed into the opposite side of the court. He started for another.

"Do you not trust me?" Akaashi asked. Bokuto bounced the ball to himself a few times.

"I trust you." He didn't look at Akaashi.

"Then talk to me." Bokuto paused, then walked to the end of the court and hit another jump serve. He looked tired as he watched it land across the net.

"It's not like that. It's..."

"Bokuto-san." Bokuto still refused to meet his eyes. He turned his back to Akaashi and grabbed another ball. He let out a long breath before speaking quickly and quietly.

"I was with Kuroo that night at training camp when we walked in on you and that guy from Shinzen."

Never in Akaashi's life had he more desperately wanted to take something back. He stood and waited for the moment to shatter. For him to wake up or come back to reality.

Instead, he watched from inside himself as Bokuto hit another jump serve, driving the ball across the net with excessive force. Bokuto began pacing.

"It's been bothering me ever since. I don't even know why. There's no real reason for it, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it." He finally stopped moving. "Akaashi, say something." Akaashi just stared.

"I'm sorry," he managed to say. Bokuto shook his head.

"No, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to go off, I just..." He stood several feet away. Their eyes were pulled anywhere but each other. "Akaashi... Does that make you happy?"

"What?"

"I mean... Are you happy with him? I just..." Bokuto turned to him, dropping all defenses. "You deserve to be happy, and I want you to be."

Akaashi felt a stab of pain. His eyes stung, and he blinked back tears.

He'd never even considered that before.

Their eyes finally met.

"Can I give you a hug?" Bokuto asked timidly. Akaashi nodded.

Bokuto stepped forward and gently took Akaashi in his arms. Akaashi threw his arms around him and held on tightly. He listened for a heartbeat, the rhythm soothing to him. Bokuto gently rubbed his back and rested his chin on his head. Akaashi took a long, shaky breath in.

"I'm sorry you had to get involved. You were right; I wasn't happy. I ended it."

"Akaashi, did he... hurt you?" His heart caught in his throat.

"Yeah," he whispered. Bokuto pulled him closer and buried his face in his hair.

"I'm sorry." They stood there for a long time. Akaashi was filled with a kind of bittersweet longing. For once, he let himself relax and enjoy Bokuto's presence without worrying about anything.

Eventually, they separated shyly and cleaned the gym in silence. They made small talk as they changed and locked up the club room. The walk home was completely quiet.

Neither of them was fully conscience of it, but some dynamic had shifted. Something like an unspoken understanding had passed between them, and they were separately adjusting to what it meant.

They separated with a quick hug at Akaashi's house, and as usual Akaashi asked Bokuto to text him so he could be sure he got home safely.

He laid awake a long time that night trying to put a name to everything he felt had changed between them. He also tried to figure out why, for once, he felt at peace.

 

* * *

 

 

Yamiji unexpectedly stopped them mid-drill.

"Alright, everyone. We're ending a few minutes early. We have a few announcements to make before you go. Get a drink and circle up."

Akaashi grabbed his water bottle and took a long drink before joining the circle of his teammates. Bokuto moved in beside him, practically radiating nervous energy. Akaashi looked at him inquisitively, but before he could get an answer, Yamiji motioned to Tachibana to speak.

"Ah, alright everyone." Tachibana looked around the circle with the same nervous air as Bokuto. "I guess the best way to do this is to just say it. The other third-years and I have decided to retire after this term." The news was met with surprised silence. "We've thought it through carefully, and we've made this decision for you guys. I believe that you could potentially be the strongest generation of players Fukurodani has ever seen, and I want you to have as much time on the court together as possible. I know for a fact that I'm leaving my team in good hands."

As strong as Tachibana's words were, Akaashi didn't miss the sadness seeping into his smile. The coach clapped him reassuringly on the back.

"Starting in September, you will have a new captain and vice-captain. We'll also begin working on a new starting formation. As of today, we are officially naming Bokuto team captain." There was a lot of hollering and applause. Tachibana made his way across the circle and pulled an ecstatic Bokuto into a bro hug. "Alright, and Konoha will become the new vice-captain." There was more cheering and applause. Akaashi told himself the stab of betrayal he felt was irrational.   

After a few more words, the boys were all dismissed. Everyone ran up to congratulate Bokuto and Konoha while Akaashi silently began prepping for spiking practice.

"Akaashi, I'm sooo sorry about that!" Bokuto ran up to him once everyone had cleared out of the gym.

"About what?"

"I really wanted you to be my vice-captain. I fought for it, but they said no because you're still a first-year. But, I talked to Konoha about it, and he said he'd be fine to let you take over next year." Akaashi was touched by Bokuto's fervor.

"Thank you, Bokuto-san."

"Don't look so surprised. Of course I wouldn't want anyone else but you by my side." Akaashi was pretty sure he was turning the same shade of red he saw creeping up Bokuto's neck. "For volleyball... team…"

"Right." There was an uncomfortable silence before Bokuto clapped his hands and quite literally ran away from the moment.

"I'm gonna get a drink, then let’s start!" Akaashi grabbed a ball out of the carriage and started bouncing it to himself. He snuck a glance towards Bokuto, who appeared to be in the middle of giving himself a pep talk. Akaashi turned away before Bokuto could look over at him. He definitely wasn't supposed to have seen that. He laughed quietly to himself, unable to control the grin pulling at his lips. Looking up at the ceiling, he found himself questioning his taste in men.

"Alriiight, let's do this!" Bokuto appeared to be done and ran back onto the court. Akaashi lobbed the ball to him. "Ready?" Akaashi got in position to set.

"Let's go."

 

* * *

 

 

Early September arrived, bringing the start of the new term with it. Bokuto and Konoha were officially instated in their positions as captain and vice-captain, and new uniforms were to be issued once they figured out their new starting formation and numbers.

Their first week back, Akaashi was getting changed when Konoha approached him for their usual bit of pre-practice banter. After discussing the new movie coming out and the ungodly taste of that new sports drink, there was a lull in the conversation. Akaashi hesitantly broached a subject he'd been thinking about for a while.

"Konoha-san, isn't it Bokuto-san's birthday soon?" Konoha looked up, calculating.

"Well, I know he's a Virgo... So yeah, I'd say so." Akaashi wrinkled his nose.

"He's not a Virgo."

"Sure doesn't act like one. Anyway, why do you ask?" Akaashi looked away, still uncertain.

"Well, do you... Do you think he'd like it if we threw him a surprise party?" Konoha looked a little surprised.

"Yeah, actually. I think he'd get a huge kick out of that." Akaashi nodded and shut his locker.

“I don’t really know much about that kind of stuff, but-“

"Oh, I can do most of the planning, if you want. As long as I can get you to be my Bokuto consultant. You probably know him best."

"Yeah, sure." Akaashi flushed a little.

"Let’s look at dates really quickly." They pulled out their phones and started comparing calendars. Bokuto approached them and slung an arm around both of their shoulders.

"What are you two plotting?"

"Your untimely demise." Akaashi wormed his way out from under Bokuto's arm to put his phone away.

"No comment," Konoha added. Bokuto looked back and forth between them.

"I'm actually a little afraid."

"Good."

 

* * *

 

 

True to his word, Konoha took care of most of the party planning, which Akaashi was exceedingly grateful for. He'd never been a party person. He was just on deck to answer random questions such as "What kind of cake does Bokuto like?" or "What are his favorite colors?" Akaashi was a little surprised by how easily he could provide the answers to all of Konoha's questions. He chalked it up to the fact that Bokuto ran his mouth so much.

It was decided that the party would be at Konoha's house, and Akaashi would find an excuse to bring him there. Bokuto had never been to Konoha's house before, which made it incredibly easy for Akaashi to lure him there. Bokuto (god love him) was incredibly easy to fool.

The date they'd selected, the Saturday closest to his actual birthday, finally rolled around. As usual, Akaashi was at Bokuto's house after their jog. Akaashi had told him that he'd have to leave a little early in the day, because he had to run an errand, but Bokuto was welcome to join him. He took the bait.

They strolled in peace through the streets, enjoying the first cool day in a while. The oppressive summer heat was finally beginning to dissipate, leaving the promise of cooler evenings in its wake. They chatted casually as they made their way down the street.

They arrived at Konoha’s house, Bokuto still completely unsuspecting. Konoha’s older sister answered and showed them in. Bokuto was finally beginning to look slightly suspicious as they rounded the corner into the living room.

“Surprise!” Bokuto took several steps backwards as teammates and other friends popped out from behind furniture and walls. Bokuto stared at them, turned back to Akaashi, turned back to his friends. Everyone in the room had a good hard laugh at his dumbstruck reaction.

“Happy Birthday, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said, a grin pulling at his lips.

“Akaashi, did you…?”

“Don’t try to take all the credit, Akaashi.” Konoha approached the two of them.

A smile slowly invaded Bokuto’s expression, lighting his face brilliantly.

“Thanks, guys.” He gave Konoha a bro hug, turned to Akaashi, and froze. There was a brief, silent exchange before the guys swarmed Bokuto, pulling him into the room.

Akaashi watched him go, taking a moment to recover from the pure affection he had just seen in Bokuto’s eyes. He swallowed his heart back down into his chest before joining the guys.

 

At parties, Akaashi was usually that guy sitting off to the side on his phone or with his face buried in a book, trying to look occupied so no one would talk to him. However, he found himself actually enjoying this party. His teammates were making a real effort to include him, and he realized he actually liked these people enough to have a good time. He hadn’t really hung out with his teammates outside of club, and he found himself learning a lot about them.

He subtly stayed away from Bokuto to let him visit with his other friends. He and Bokuto saw each other plenty as it was. Even so, his eyes were continually drawn across the room when he heard his voice or that unmistakable laugh. Akaashi tried not to focus on him too much, because it would be horribly obvious to any onlooker how bad he had it, but it was nearly impossible to tear his eyes away when Bokuto was so genuinely happy. He was radiating positive light that touched Akaashi even across the room.

There was a comfortable lull in the party after a game had just ended. Akaashi was sitting on the couch, watching the room. Well, it would be more accurate to say he was just watching Bokuto. No one else in the room had such a pull.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a boy dropping next to him on the couch.

"Hey, Akaashi. Thanks for the invite." Kuroo grinned over at him as Akaashi adjusted to make room for how unnecessarily wide Kuroo spread his legs when he sat. It hadn’t been hard to convince Kuroo to make the train ride for this event. He told Akaashi over the phone that he was eagerly anticipating seeing Bokuto’s surprised face.

"No problem. I'm glad you could make it." They sat in silence for a few moments.

"Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for everything you've done for Bokuto." Akaashi turned to him in surprise.

"How so?"

"The kid's practically been reborn since the start of the semester, and I think it was you." Kuroo shifted in his seat. "He and I met back in middle school at a summer camp, and we've kept in touch ever since. Once we were close enough to trust each other with the big stuff, it seemed like every time we talked, he was having a rough time. For the longest time, his life was just a string of bad days, and it was hard to watch him go through all that, ya know? But he's been doing so much better lately. He looks really happy all the time, and he seems to have more faith in himself. So thanks. You've really helped this kid out." Akaashi sat for a moment digesting all that had just been said.

"Well, it's gone both ways, honestly. I'm in a better place than I was at the start of the year, too." He looked down, feeling slightly embarrassed at the admission.

"He hasn't ask you out yet?" Akaashi's heart twisted.

"He... what?" Kuroo shook his head.

"Surely you've figured it out by now." Kuroo was giving one of his trademark smirks.

"Nobody's asked anybody out," he replied quickly.

"Damn, it's taking you guys forever." Akaashi hoped Kuroo couldn't see the blush on his face. He looked out over the crowded, noisy room, lit by one main source of light.

Yeah. He had figured it out.

 

Akaashi saw the last guest out the door, then turned his attention to cleaning up. He made his way back into the living room, picking up cups and plates of half-eaten food as he went.

He entered the living room and saw Bokuto sitting on the couch with his knees drawn up. It looked like his back was shaking. He sniffled and wiped his eyes. Akaashi slowly set the dishes down and gingerly moved towards him.

"Bokuto-san?"

"Oh, hey." Bokuto wiped his eyes again and scooted over, inviting Akaashi to sit.

"What's wrong?" Akaashi took the seat next to him.

"Nothing."

"Don't give me that."

"No, I mean it. They're happy tears." Bokuto's grin was genuine, even though his eyes were glassy and his face was flushed. He looked over the empty room. "Thank you, Akaashi. I really appreciate this."

"Well, Konoha-san really did-"

"No, he told me it was your idea and that you helped with a lot of the details. I just... I can't really begin to tell you what this means to me. Thank you." Bokuto's smile was contagious.

"You're welcome. I'm really glad you enjoyed it." Akaashi tentatively rested his hand on Bokuto's forearm. Their eyes stayed locked.

_It would take so little effort to slide my hand into his. Or to lean in for a kiss. It'd be so easy..._

Akaashi accidentally let his eyes flit down to Bokuto's lips for a second. Bokuto leaned ever so slightly closer before suddenly starting and leaning back.

"Heyyy, Konoha. What's up?" Akaashi whipped around to see Konoha standing in the doorway grinning at them.

"Oh, I was just waiting to see if you were gonna make out or not. I can leave and let you get back to it."

"Thank you for the offer, but we're fine." Akaashi turned away, feeling his face heat up.

"Well, I thought I'd try. But if you're not going to make out, I could use some help putting this food away before it goes bad."

"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute." With a knowing nod, Konoha excused himself from the room. Akaashi realized his hand was still resting on Bokuto's arm.

Their eyes locked again. They seemed to be waiting for the other to make a move. After several moments of uncomfortable silence, Akaashi finally turned away.

"Um, I should go..."

"Right, yeah."

"Are you good?"

“Yeah, thanks."

"Ok." Akaashi squeezed Bokuto's arm as he stood up to leave.

Dammit. He'd definitely just missed a chance. Kuroo's words flashed through his head.

Surely Bokuto has figured it out by now, too.

 

* * *

 

 

Before long Akaashi found himself enveloped in familiar darkness. His body was overcome with the usual sensation. A paralysis of sorts, keeping him from wanting to move.

As his usual last ditch effort, his hand slid towards his phone. However, instead of scrolling aimlessly through his contacts, he pulled up one name and stared at it. He alternated between setting his phone down and picking it back up before finally hitting the call button. The call was answered almost immediately.

"Woah, Akaashi! I never thought you'd actually call me! This is so cool! What's up?" Akaashi tried to speak but just ended up letting out a sob. Goddammit, why did this have to happen? "Woah, are you ok? Hang on, give me one second." Akaashi heard Bokuto's muffled voice excuse himself from the room, then the sound of a door shutting. His voice moved back to the speaker. "Hey, what's wrong?" Akaashi sniffed and wiped his face dry.

"I don't really know. Do you ever just feel like shit for no reason?"

"Yeah, I got you. And then you just feel worse because you’re like, you have no reason to be upset right now, so get the fuck over it." Bokuto managed to sum up his feelings perfectly. Akaashi realized he'd made a good decision. "Where are you right now?"

"In my room."

"Ok, that's good. And you just started feeling bad?"

"Well..." Akaashi looked around him, picking out what details he could in the darkness. "No. Never mind, it's nothing. It sounds stupid when I say it."

"Akaashi." Bokuto's voice was firm. "You've seen me get upset over the stupidest shit before. I won't judge you. I don't have room to judge." Ok, very true. He took a shaky breath.

"There's this thing I do when I get depressed and my mind starts racing. I shut myself in my room and turn off all the lights and watch the sunset. And it works. Until the light is gone, and I find myself in a dark room, and my mind hasn't slowed down, and it gets hard to move, and I just lie there a really long time." There was a short silence on the other end.

"Wow, that does sound super depressing. Why don't you start by turning on a light? Not a big light. A little one. Like a lamp or a night light." Akaashi had thought this to himself every time, but somehow, hearing it from someone else made it easier for him to roll over and turn on the lamp on his nightstand.

"Ok, I turned a lamp on."

"Great. Hey... would you mind if I came over?"

"That'd be great, actually."

"Ok, I'll be there in a few. Take care of yourself, ok?"

"Ok. Bye."

"Bye, see you in a few." Akaashi waited for him to hang up. He set his phone down and stared at the ceiling.

For years, he'd imagined being able to call someone over when he got like this. He'd scrolled through his contacts, grasping at straws and coming up empty. For the first time, he had someone in his life he could trust. A few more tears slid down his cheeks. He brushed them aside and dragged himself into a sitting position while he waited, wrapping his arms tightly around his knees.

Bokuto arrived a few minutes later, knocking softly on his bedroom door.

"Come in." He slipped into the room, shutting the door gently behind him. Akaashi made room for him on the bed.

"Hey."

"Hey." Bokuto sat beside him. Silence settled on the room. Akaashi gently leaned in to rest his head on Bokuto's shoulder. His heart stuttered as Bokuto slid an arm around his waist. He closed his eyes and relaxed into the touch.

"I'm sorry to call you over so late."

"It's fine. I needed to get away anyway."

"Your mom again?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry." Akaashi pressed against him tighter, and Bokuto squeezed his waist. Akaashi regretted the fact that he'd have to leave this warmth at some point.

Bokuto reached towards Akaashi's legs with his free hand, which brushed against one of Akaashi's.

"Wow, your hands are really cold." He rested his fingers lightly on top of Akaashi's.

"They're always like that," he replied quietly. He watched as Bokuto fitted their palms together.

"That would drive me crazy." Ever so gently, Akaashi dared to slide his fingers in between Bokuto's. He felt his heart skip as Bokuto squeezed his hand back. He shut his eyes again.

"Hey... Akaashi?" That was a really loaded pause.

"Yeah?" Bokuto hesitated a second too long.

"Never mind."

"No, what were you going to say?" Akaashi pulled back just enough to look at him.

"Well, nothing. It's just..." Bokuto cast his glance down to their clasped hands. "Friends don't hold hands."

Akaashi froze. This conversation was happening.

"...Is that what you consider us? Friends?" Bokuto thought for a moment.

"Honestly, no. I mean I guess we technically are, but I just feel like... Kinda like..."

"Like we crossed a line somewhere," Akaashi finished for him.

"Yeah, like that." They were both lost in their thoughts for a moment. "Hey, why don't we make it official?"

"What?" Akaashi met his eyes.

"I said we should make it official." He shifted slightly so he could turn towards Akaashi more. "Akaashi, I think you're the greatest human being to exist, and I'm so happy when I'm around you, and I really, really like you. Do you... want to be my boyfriend?" Akaashi stared for a moment, before a smile pulled at his lips.

"Yes. I do." Bokuto's entire face lit up.

"Really?"

"Please don't yell."

"Sorry. Really?" He repeated in a whisper.

"Yes. Absolutely." Bokuto stared at him in awe.

"Oh my god. This is the best thing to ever happen to me." Akaashi laughed as Bokuto pulled him into a tight hug. He agreed with Bokuto on this one. He buried his face in the other boy's shoulder. After a while, Bokuto finally pulled back and looked him in the eyes. "Akaashi... can I kiss you?"

Akaashi wasn't sure what encouraged him to say yes. Maybe it was the fact that kisses had never meant much to him, so he didn't see it as that big of a step.

However, as Bokuto gently pulled him in and pressed their lips together, Akaashi's heart stopped. He suddenly realized what he had been missing, because this felt too intimate and connected to be anything casual.

They gently separated.

"Bokuto-san," he breathed.

"You can drop the -san now that we're dating. Oh my god, Akaashi we're dating."

"We are." Akaashi had never smiled this hard in his life. He pulled his boyfriend in for another kiss. His boyfriend. He could get used to saying that.

They laid there a long time, holding each other and planting sweet kisses on hands and cheeks. They were in a precious, fragile bubble that would burst the second either of them stood up. They held on tightly to each moment that passed, making the most of each one.

Unfortunately, Bokuto received a text from his mom asking why he was gone so long.

"Eurgh, I can't ignore this one." Bokuto briefly pulled his arm out from under Akaashi to type a reply. “I'm sorry, it looks like I have to go."

"Ok, yeah. I don't want her to start freaking out." Bokuto put his phone away and then looked Akaashi in the eyes. He pressed into yet another kiss.

"I'm so happy right now," he said, pressing their foreheads together.

"I am, too. I wish you didn't have to leave."

"I know. But the best part is, we can do this all the time now."

"We can." Akaashi kissed him again. Bokuto pulled away when he felt his phone go off again.

"Ok, I really need to get going."

“That's fine. Text me when you get home."

"I will." They gave each other one last, long hug. "I'll see you tomorrow, boyfriend."

"See you then, boyfriend." Akaashi acknowledged the fact that he sounded like a complete idiot, but he was absolutely giddy right now.

Even after Bokuto left, Akaashi still felt his presence. It was almost as if the atmosphere in his room had changed. The entire night, all he could do was reply the evening over and over and savor the memory of each kiss.

He fell asleep with a smile stuck to his face.

 

* * *

 

 

Dating Bokuto was everything Akaashi had wanted and more.

Dating meant loaded gazes when they saw each other in passing, discreet touches under tables or behind backs, good morning and good night texts, walking home with shoulders bumping and hands itching to meet.

It meant lying in Bokuto’s lap while doing homework, leaning on his shoulder when he needed a break, Bokuto’s hand running smoothly through his hair, and constant elevated heartbeat and shortness of breath.

They didn’t kiss after the confession. Kisses were suddenly too meaningful and too sanctified to be casual. Kisses on the mouth, that is. Kisses on the hand, the cheek, the forehead, the shoulder were new ways to say “hello” and “I care about you.”

They kept their relationship a secret. Akaashi was well aware that many people could tell they were interested in each other, but he didn’t want the news spreading and reaching the wrong ears. They told Konoha and Sarukui who freaked out for several hours. They also told Kuroo who responded with his sincerest congratulations and several tips on proper condom use.

 

* * *

 

 

The fall tournament arrived too quickly. With the loss of their captain and three starting players, the remaining members of Fukurodani were scrambling to prepare for the fall tournament. Akaashi’s entire life soon became volleyball. He found himself so caught up in the excitement that he neglected one or two classes in order to give the team the attention it needed. The tournament came before he was ready.

 

It was an hour before they were scheduled to start their first match, and Bokuto was nowhere to be found. Akaashi was well aware of the fact that nobody could find him because everyone’s first response was to ask Akaashi where he was.

Eventually he set out to find his wayward captain. He checked the hallways, he checked outside, he checked all the bathrooms.

He had almost run out of places to look, when he entered one bathroom and heard shuffling from the shower room. No team had played yet today, so there was no reason for anyone to need a shower now. Sure enough, he cracked the door open to find Bokuto pacing back and forth in front of the stalls. He jumped when he noticed the open door.

“Oh, hey Akaashi.”

“Bokuto-san, everyone’s been looking for you.” Akaashi stepped in and closed the door behind him.

“Augggh I know.” He resumed pacing.

“Hey, calm down.” Akaashi intercepted him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He gently tipped Bokuto’s face up to meet his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know how to be a captain. I don’t feel ready. And I’m also the ace now, and that’s just too much at once. I feel so much pressure on me, and I don’t know to handle it.” Akaashi took a moment to digest this.

“I can tell you how to be a captain. All you do is, you lead warm-ups, you shake hands with the other captain, and you call the coin toss. That’s all there is.”

“No, there’s more than that. The whole team is looking to me now to lead them, and I’m… I’m not a Tachibana. I don’t have that captainly presence that people automatically want to follow. I’m so afraid of letting everyone down.”

“Bokuto.” Akaashi ran his thumb gently over his boyfriend’s cheekbone, trying to calm him. His hand slid from the other boy’s shoulder to rest at the base of his neck. Bokuto tentatively rested his hand on Akaashi’s waist. “I’ve been around these boys when you aren’t in the room, and I can tell you that they have nothing but respect for you. You’re an incredible player, and every single guy you’re playing with knows that. Nobody has these high expectations for you. They trust you.” Akaashi tilted his head up to kiss Bokuto’s forehead.

“But what if I go into Dejected Mode during a game?” Akaashi paused before answering. He didn’t want to insult Bokuto’s intelligence by saying that wouldn’t happen, because there was definitely a chance that it would.

“Then I hope you trust the rest of the team enough to carry the game while you come around. Because you always do.” That wasn’t quite what he wanted to say, but Bokuto looked a little relieved. “I’m going to teach you a concentration exercise. Hold out your left hand.”

Akaashi stepped back to demonstrate, and Bokuto hesitantly followed suit. Akaashi placed his fingers over Bokuto’s wrist, nodding for him to do the same.

“Close your eyes and focus on finding my pulse.” Akaashi felt Bokuto’s thumb shifting around on his wrist. He found Bokuto’s pulse quickly. The boy had a crazy high metabolism, so his heartbeat was usually solid and strong.

The door to the bathroom opened, and they could hear someone shifting around in the other room. Bokuto looked up, distracted.

“Hey. Back to me.” Akaashi gently turned Bokuto’s head back and pressed their foreheads together, trying to get him to focus. He could feel the other boy’s breath hot on his lips. Bokuto readjusted his grip on Akaashi’s wrist and pressed down, trying once more to find his pulse.

“Ok, I got it,” he reported after a few seconds.

“Good. Now we’re going to talk through a perfect spike. The ball is returned perfectly to the setter, and I’m in position. Where are you?”

“I’m on the left. I see the ball coming and call for it.”

“I call that I’m sending the ball to you and toss it where you need it.”

“I run up, jump, and hit it. I hit a straight. It goes right past the blockers and the rearguard and the libero and lands in the back corner.”

“That was oddly specific.”

“That’s my favorite kind of spike, though. When you can see their faces as a bunch of people run to stop it.”

“So hit lots of those today, ok?” Akaashi opened his eyes.

“Yeah. I will.” Bokuto opened his eyes as well and slid his hand from Akaashi’s wrist into his hand. “Thanks, Akaashi. I feel better now.”

“Good.”

Akaashi finally gave in to the gravity between them and pressed into a gentle kiss. Bokuto wrapped his arms tightly around Akaashi’s waist and kissed back harder. Akaashi indulged him for a few moments before pulling back.

“Everyone’s been worried, so we should probably head back.”

“Yeah.” Once again, they found themselves lost in each other, unwilling to move or leave the moment. Akaashi pushed hard into one last kiss before extracting himself from Bokuto’s arms.

“We can pick this up later. In the meantime, we have teams to destroy.”

“Yeah, we do!” Bokuto’s normal radiant smile had returned, and Akaashi felt his knees go a little weak.

He, for one, had utter and complete faith in his captain.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi kept a close eye on Bokuto throughout all their games that day. They dominated their first match, which did wonders for the team’s morale. Bokuto was on fire, and he maintained a positive attitude during every game. Their new team had gelled together very well, and they went on to win both games.

The atmosphere on the bus ride back was great. The boys were all in high spirits. Except for one.

A quiet Bokuto was a very rare sight. In contrast to his mood just minutes ago, he spent the whole ride staring out the window thinking hard. Akaashi didn’t bring it up on the bus. He just kept their legs pressed together the whole ride and deflected people’s attempts at engaging Bokuto in conversation.

They walked home together in silence.

When they reached Akaashi’s house, he invited Bokuto in. He accepted.

Bokuto sprawled out on Akaashi’s bed, and Akaashi took a seat beside him.

“Are you ok, Bokuto?” He rubbed his eyes.

“I dunno. I mean, I feel like I should be happy because the team won, but…” He sighed. “I didn’t get a single straight through. Again.” He rolled over onto his stomach.

“I’m sorry.” Akaashi rubbed Bokuto’s back, prompting a small hum.

“I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I practice and practice and practice, but no matter how hard I try, it never gets through.” He sat quiet for a long moment. “Maybe everyone was right. Maybe I should just give up.”

“Bokuto, look at me.” He shifted his head to look at Akaashi. “They’re wrong. You know that. There are players who use straights regularly, and there’s no reason you can’t. We just haven’t been practicing with blockers. It’ll take time, but I know you can hit them, because I’ve seen you hit them.”

Bokuto just made a noise somewhere between a whine and a gurgle and buried his face in the comforter. Akaashi sighed and sprawled out on top of his back. Bokuto grasped around for his hand and gripped it loosely when he found it.

“’Kaashi?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re amazing.” Akaashi felt his face flush.

“Thank you,” he replied shyly.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi had never played a full set before. Halfway through the third set, he could feel the exhaustion creeping in behind his rush of adrenaline. As they waited for the other team to rotate, he quickly checked in on his teammates. Everyone was burning with a determined energy. They had pulled ahead this set and had a good chance of taking this game if everyone could keep their energy up.

He cast one more glance in Bokuto’s direction. Energy was rolling off him in nearly tangible waves. He’d had a really good game, and Akaashi hoped he was in a good enough mood to try something.

The other team never got a break, and eventually it was 22-24, Fukurodani’s match point. The air was filled with a palpable tension. Akaashi flashed Bokuto a sign behind his back. Bokuto looked surprised, but quickly grinned and nodded.

“Sarukui, nice serve!”

Akaashi watched the ball fly over the net, received neatly by a player in the rearguard and returned to the setter. The toss wasn’t well-placed, and the spike was weak. Komi received the ball, calling to Akaashi.

“Left!” Akaashi already knew right where Bokuto would be.

“Two blockers!” Akaashi tossed the ball slightly higher than usual – in the perfect place for a straight. He watched with apprehension as Bokuto connected with the ball.

It flew directly past the blocker’s arm, landing in the back corner, just out of reach of the libero.

The whistle sounded twice

Akaashi let a roar tear from his throat as he threw himself at Bokuto. Suddenly forgetting all decorum, they flung themselves into a tight hug, laughing and yelling. The rest of the team jumped on the two of them, forming some convoluted group hug with the two boyfriends at the center.

Eventually they had to separate to shake hands with the other team. Akaashi pulled away, grinning brilliantly and meeting Bokuto’s eyes full of pride and joy. They had to break apart and go back to acting normal, but the light behind their eyes was still there.

Akaashi couldn’t wait to get Bokuto alone, but the rest of the afternoon was occupied with preparing for their last game. The electricity between them stayed, however, and they spent the rest of the day bumping shoulders and holding eye contact.

 

The full orange sun was burning on the horizon as they climbed onto the bus to head home. The boys were exhausted, but oddly cheerful.

“Who knew still having third years on your team would make such a difference?” Komi whined.

“Hey, that just goes to show how awesome we are. We held our own against them in both sets with no third years. We’ll get them next year.” Bokuto punched Komi’s shoulder lightly as he moved towards the back where he and Akaashi usually sat.

Despite losing in the finals, the team was somehow still feeling fine. Akaashi suspected Bokuto’s cheerful attitude had spread to the rest of the team, making them feel proud of what they did achieve and hopeful for the next tournament.

He settled in next to Bokuto, listening as he called out encouragement to the boys sitting a few rows up. He remembered Bokuto’s fears on the first day of the tournament. Despite all his apprehension, Bokuto had really pulled through and kept the team on their feet. Akaashi was so proud of him.

The two boys barely spoke on the ride back. Bokuto was busy answering the taunts of Konoha and Sarukui who were sitting a row ahead of them. He did, however, keep a hand on Akaashi’s knee at all times, a gentle, reassuring gesture.

After unloading at the school, the boys dispersed to go back home. The two boyfriends wandered towards the gates. Finding themselves finally alone, Akaashi pulled Bokuto aside. They kissed slow and deep, the way they had wanted to all day.

“I’m so proud of you,” Akaashi whispered when they surfaced for air.

“Thank you. But I couldn’t have done it without you.

“Shh, this is your moment.”

“No, I mean it. I wouldn’t be anything without you.”

Akaashi hoped it was dark enough to hide the flush on his cheeks. He pulled his boyfriend in again to cover his embarrassment.

On the walk home, Akaashi kept his arm linked with Bokuto’s, resting his head on his shoulder. That contagious determination to win the next time had caught ahold of him, making him feel hopeful even in a moment of defeat.

 

* * *

 

 

“Mom, I’m going to be late.”

“I don’t care. Stand in front of the door. And smile for god’s sake.”

“Aren’t I a little too old for first day of school pictures?”

“You’re too old once you’re too old for school.”

Akaashi reluctantly moved in front of the door to pose for yet another picture.

“Alright, that one’s good. You should get going now.”

“Ok. See you later.”

“Bye, Keiji.”

Akaashi hurried out of the house to find Bokuto already waiting for him.

“What took you so long?” he asked, falling into step beside Akaashi.

“My mom needed pictures.”

“Again?”

“First day of every grade. She’s obsessive.”

Bokuto shook his head. As soon as the neighborhood was out of sight, he wrapped an arm around Akaashi’s waist.

“Hey, Akaashi. Do you know why today is a super important day?”

“Because it’s your first day as a third-year?”

“No, please don’t remind me.” He pulled Akaashi to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk. “Today is a super important day because we met one year ago!”

Akaashi thought back to his very first day at Fukurodani.

“Oh, right. We met in the gym.”

“Why did it take you so long to remember?” Bokuto asked, looking slightly hurt.

“Well, you didn’t make much of an impression on me other than ‘weird, spiky-headed kid who will probably cause trouble.’”

“That’s so mean.”

“I think it was a correct impression.”

“So mean.”

“Well, what was your first impression of me?”

“Angelic boy who’s so beautiful he’s probably not real and who’s actually perfect because he can also play volleyball.”

Akaashi’s face flushed. He turned to walk down the sidewalk but not before grabbing Bokuto’s hand and pulling him along.

“I think it was a correct impression,” Bokuto added.

“Happy one year,” Akaashi replied.

“Happy one year. It’s been a good year.”

Akaashi looked up at his boyfriend.

“It has.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow good job for reading all that.
> 
> Huge thanks to my dear friend glassowl for putting up with me sending 50 million drafts and constantly asking if it's ok. (PS if you happen to read this, message me. I have a new number on WhatsApp!)
> 
> If you enjoyed it, feel free to leave kudos or comments! Reading old comments is what keeps me coming back to publishing, so I appreciate any feedback! ^^


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